Queer as me - Part 11: Coming to terms

• Posted on 11 August 2016
• By Rachael
• Posted in Personal Stories, Queer as me, Trans
• 0

This post is PART 11 in a guest blogger series following author Rachael's transition from an A.M.A.B (Assigned Male at Birth) individual to that of a self-identified trans woman.

If you are just discovering Queer as me, start the story from the beginning here.

As I drove home later that morning calmer then I had any right to be, I realized that again I would have to keep this from my wife and family as well. At least until I could understand my new identification as a gay man. I understood quite clearly what happened last time and I wouldn’t be telling the world through Facebook. Once I got home I was much calmer, although I was still a little shaky, I seemed to have found what and who I truly was. That night, after everybody had gone to bed I started to surf the internet. This time, my thought was to test this hypothesis, by going directly to something I guessed would tell me if my body had a reaction to naked men. Gay porn.  Blushing furiously, I found many a site. It seems that it is just as prolific as straight porn, and the few sites I went to caused my body to react in the usual way most other gay men’s have done I’m sure.

I turned off the computer and went to the nearest twenty-four hour Walmart. Right away I started to purposely look at men. Again, my body and my face flushed in clear understanding of desire and lust. I knew that I was going to have to tell someone. I didn’t know who or how they would react, but I couldn’t wait and keep this to myself. So I went home with the idea of trying to find a councillor that I could talk to before I told my wife. But I didn’t realize that I hadn’t shut down the computer as I thought and walked into my bedroom to a very angry wife. I had been found out. At least so I thought. She was quite upset, not because of the gay porn, as it was not showing on the computer screen, but the fact that I left the house in the middle of the night without telling her. Whew, I was safe, at least temporarily.

With google again to lending me its search engine, I was able to find the local LGBT centre, and a councillor that I could speak to about coming out as a gay man. I was able to get an appointment the following Saturday. The week seemed to crawl slowly forward, as I did my best to keep my thoughts focused on daily life and not on the wet dreams inhabiting my head. The internet became my new home as I searched for and found a website to find others like myself. Many gay men have continued to stay at least temporarily with their wives. Although I no longer had any desire for sex with my wife I still loved her very much and I hoped to still be in her life.

Life was keeping me busy enough that Saturday morning came quicker than I realized. As well I had finally started to get a handle on these sexual thoughts running roughshod through my head, and it helped that I could focus better on what or how my future would look like. I drove down to a centre that two years prior I wouldn’t have given a second thought about visiting. Now nervous and not without a little trepidation I entered my first LGBT building. Colourful isn’t the word I would have used as there was rainbows everywhere. Pictures, and murals, stacks of pamphlets on safe sex and HIV testing locations and times. Calendars full of times and dates of future meetings.  It looked deserted, and yet it seemed to be quite the busy place. I found the office and knocked on the door, an older gentleman appeared and shook my hand, giving me space to come into a very small room. I guess with all the things going on in the building space was at a premium.

The room was very comfortable looking and I was able to take a seat at small round coffee table across from my councillor. I had left a message on the answering machine explaining why I was coming to see him. So once the usual pleasantries were out of the way, He immediately asked how I knew that I was gay. I explained the whole “Trans” thing and my sudden reaction to the TV show and the gay porn I saw. He said that I could be Bisexual. I found that I was against that identification as I had no desire for the female form, I was sure that I was gay. Two hours later I was given some information on places for couple’s therapy that dealt with LGBT partners coming out to their spouses. I was also congratulated for wanting to make this as easy on my family as possible, but I was told I had to tell them now that I was sure. That would be hard with my family, not to mention as far as I was concerned, quite impossible with my church. I left the building happy, yet fearful, hoping that things would be better this time.

Rachael

Editor’s Note: To read Queer as me – Part 12: The breaking, click here. Or click here to read the previous blog post Queer as me – Part 10: Playing doctor and sexual attraction, For the latest LSOP blog posts and so much more, make sure to add us on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram.