Ask LSOP # 54 - What to do if he’s too big

Ask LSOP # 54 - What to do if he’s too big

My new boyfriend is well endowed, and it hurts when we have sex. What do I do?


Lots of folks tolerate painful sex because they think that it's normal, are too embarrassed to ask for help, or are worried that raising concerns might cause tension in their relationship. Pain is your body telling you that something is wrong, and choosing to listen rather than ignore the message means you're already on the right track. The path to comfortable and enjoyable penetrative sex might mean you need to switch things up or do a little bit of investigative work, but there are solutions out there and you can and will find the one that works for you!


Check in with your body

First things first, make sure that the pain you're experiencing isn't a symptom of an injury or illness. It's possible that sex with your new boyfriend is only bringing to attention something you weren't aware of, especially if it's been a while since you last had penetrative sex with someone.


Take a minute to check in with your body- any big health changes recently? Have you started taking new medication? Have your hormone levels changed? Or maybe you're sensitive to a new laundry detergent? Your body could be sending you a message that something is wrong and needs attention, and it's important to take the time to listen to it. If you think that something might be up but aren't sure what to do, talk to your doctor.


It's also worth considering if you are going into your sexual encounters fully aroused and fully present. The physical arousal cycle can take time, and if you are finding vaginal sex challenging it could be that your body hasn't caught up with your mind, and extending foreplay could be beneficial. If you're experiencing challenges with anal sex, your body's physical response to nerves around a new boyfriend, a stressful morning commute, or any other factors that may be causing tension or distraction can make relaxing difficult and penetration a pain in the butt (I'll see myself out). Practicing mindfulness and making sure you are fully present and ready are essential.


Use a good lube, and use a lot of it

If you aren't already using lube, you need to start. Even vagina-owners who self-lubricate like crazy can still benefit from a good lubricant, because the amount and consistency of natural lubrication can be affected by something as simple as how hydrated you happen to be at the moment. If you have an aversion to lubricant because you've had bad lube experiences, try something different like a natural lubricant for sensitive skin, or a silicone lubricant that will last for ages without getting sticky.


If you're using lube and it's not helping, it may be worth it to try a different kind- we're always happy to answer your lube questions if you stop in.


If your lube is awesome and you see no room for improvement…


Try different positions

Since this is a new beau you two might still be getting the hang of things, and finding the positions that everyone can enjoy is part of finding that groove. Try positions that provide more shallow penetration, or where you have more control over your movement.


Get some equipment

A bumper is a sort of cock ring that looks like a rubber donut and is worn at the base of the penis during sex to make penetration shallower. These are a great help if length is a concern. You could also discuss using toys together as a stand in for penetrative sex when you need a break.


Communicate with your partner

I know that I say this in every Ask LSOP answer, but its because it's just that important: communicate your needs with your partner! And not just in bed, when blood is rushing away from the brain and emotions are high. Let your boyfriend know, if you haven't already, what's up with you. If he's the kind of person that's worth keeping around he'll want to make sure that you are enjoying sex with him, rather than just tolerating it, and finding a solution can be a team effort- which is more fun anyways.



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