This post is PART 10 in a guest blogger series following author Rachael's transition from an A.M.A.B (Assigned Male at Birth) individual to that of a self-identified trans woman.
If you are just discovering Queer as me, start the story from the beginning here.
The first few weeks of not being on testosterone was amazing. My short temper and angry outbursts became a thing of the past. I started to sleep better, and yet I still worried that I would be found out. I believe that my switch wasn’t noticed, not so much because I looked like I was still injecting the hormones, but as to the lack of yelling matches or me constantly being on anyone’s case. I started to feel normal, or at least more towards my usual self. I thought this is great I can just keep doing this until I can find a way to reason with my family and my church.
But this was not to be. About three weeks after my switch, my interior life started to concern me. My dreams both day and night started to take on a sexual level that was starting to affect my daily thoughts. I started to dream about men. It was startling in the fact that I had never had any sexual thoughts toward men in my entire life. But now it seemed that I was constantly thinking about men, all the time. I at first dismissed them, but as they became stronger and more frequent I was getting concerned. Although I no longer believed that I was Trans, I still thought as myself as a straight male. In the coming weeks I tried with very little success to push them out of my mind. I was starting to worry. The level and intensity of the intruding thoughts were starting to consume me. I couldn’t seem to think of anything else. I was worried I was going insane.
By the time six weeks had passed since I had taken any testosterone, I seemed to be in a perpetual battle to keep my thoughts righteous. As luck would have it a friend asked for me to help her in house sitting as she had accidentally doubled booked herself. It was only for two nights and I could keep the money. This was a great distraction, and so a few days later I went to the house in question and after letting the dogs out, and feeding them I got ready for bed. I was a little nervous as I wasn’t used to sleeping anywhere else but at home. As I lay down on the couch, I tossed and turned as my sexual thoughts once again forced their way into my conscious mind. I was about to become an insomniac if I didn’t get any rest soon.
Since we didn’t have cable at our house, I decided that maybe by watching some TV I could push these thoughts back, and finally sleep. I flicked through multiple channels trying to find something that would keep my interest, even if only temporary. I stopped at a show called Lost Girl. It was showing a series of back to back shows three in all. I had never heard of it, but because it was on the Sci-fi channel I thought it might be interesting. If any of you know of it, it’s quite good. The main star was a beautiful looking woman that had the ability to draw sustenance from people sexually. She was a bisexual succubus. Interesting premises, but what happened next was startling. There was a part in the show where the main character and her partner, in this case a woman were making out. As they started to get more involved, (it was two in the morning) so you’ll understand what I mean by involved. I started crying suddenly and without any reason that I could think of. In fact it was getting incredible hard to watch this two women making out. The tears started to fall more and more until I fled to the bathroom, locking the door behind me.
I didn’t understand what was going on. My thoughts were in turmoil, and I was shaking. It took me a solid two hours hiding out in the bathroom to collect my thoughts enough to leave the bathroom. I went home and didn’t discuss what happened. When I was asked why I was home a few hours early, I made the comment that I couldn’t sleep there, and promptly went to bed.
The second night I came back I knew I had to find out what happened to me. I quickly searched the channels until I could find the same show. Again, it was a set of three episodes, as I sat down to watch, I was determined to make sure what happened the previous night didn’t occur again. The first one went by with no problem, I started to relax, maybe it was just that I was overly tired last time, I sighed in relief. Then in the second episode the main character again became sexually involved with another woman. I started to cry, I had begun to realize that what I saw was exquisitely beautiful, and as it became more passionate my crying grew worse. This time before it started to get out of hand I ran to the bathroom. As I reached for the light switch I started to sob uncontrollably. I looked in the mirror, with tears pouring down my cheeks I saw my eyes open wide in dawning understanding.
I touched the mirror and in a shaking voice, I said, “I’m Gay”. As I uttered those words my legs folded, and in utter devastation I collapsed on the floor howling. I knew it was true.
Editor’s Note: To read Queer as me – Part 11: Coming to terms, click here. Or click here to read the previous blog post Queer as me – Part 9: Shattering thoughts and secretive things, For the latest LSOP blog posts and so much more, make sure to add us on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram.