Queer as me – Part 9: Shattering thoughts and secretive things

Queer as me – Part 9: Shattering thoughts and secretive things

This post is PART 9 in a guest blogger series following author Rachael's transition from an A.M.A.B (Assigned Male at Birth) individual to that of a self-identified trans woman.

If you are just discovering Queer as me, start the story from the beginning here.

 

 

I wish I could tell you what happened next, but even I am not totally sure. What I do know is that while on my drive to eliminate my friend, and possibly his son as well, something changed. The best way I can explain it was like a “break” a shattering of my mind that caused me to violently pull off the highway, and drive into the ditch. I sat there shivering and shaking, my mind and heart racing, I screamed, howled, and the sound of anguish in my voice startled me awake. It was like a cold splash of water to my psyche, I turned and looked at the knife still sitting on the passenger seat, and the realization dawned on me with what I had almost done. The fear, the total and complete shock that I had been able to think, much less commit murder without a second thought drove me to throw out the knife into the surrounding bushes.

 

 

As I sat there, the shivering and shaking subsided. A clarity cold and precise, told me that I had to stop the therapy, if I wanted to be a sane person, I had to stop NOW. But I was afraid, what if my family and church found out? They would not allow me to stop, so there on the side of a busy highway, I started to plan my escape. I had to. I would not allow anyone to make me into that “thing” that monster that almost did the unspeakable. I slowly got back on the highway and turned back to home. It was quite the shock, really to find that, while I was going through such an incredible and profound mental change, the clock at home only registered a single hour had past. As no one asked where I had been, I was careful to not talk to anyone as I wrestled with the thoughts on how to free myself.  Then as the plan became clearer, I finally understood what I had to do.

 

 

My fight to save myself, was simple and yet I was constantly worried that I would be found out, as I was trying to pretend that nothing had changed. I’m sure that my family was relieved that I wasn’t in the mood to talk that night, as it saved them from dealing with my mood swings, not to mention being yelled at. That night, I made the first of many steps to break the hold that was placed upon my mind and body. It was two or three in the morning that I woke, the house was quiet, and I went to the bathroom, and waited for a minute or two and then flushed the toilet, trying probably too hard, to act my “normal” self. I went into the kitchen, and with one of my syringes removed all the testosterone from the vials and replaced it with water. The reason for this was that I was constantly watched while administering it, so I knew I couldn’t fake that, but this, this, no one would know. Testosterone is a clear liquid, so water was my only option to hide me stopping taking it. As I crawled back into bed, I hoped that it would work.

 

 

Rachael

 

 

Editor’s Note: To read Queer as me – Part 10: Playing doctor and sexual attraction, click here. Or click here to read the previous blog post Queer as me - Part 8: The edge of sanity, and beyondFor the latest LSOP blog posts and so much more, make sure to add us on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram.

Comments

Be the first to comment...

Leave a comment
* Your email address will not be published
Please accept cookies to help us improve this website Is this OK? Yes No More on cookies »