This post is PART 12 in a guest blogger series following author Rachael's transition from an A.M.A.B (Assigned Male at Birth) individual to that of a self-identified trans woman.
If you are just discovering Queer as me, start the story from the beginning here.
Most people cannot imagine that gender and sexuality are fluid. Yet they have no problem threatening violence to get what they think is right and proper. Especially those in organized religions. If you don’t believe, then you are going to the abyss, or hell. Whatever name they wish to give to a place that only those that don’t absolutely obey their rules, commandments or holy books will be sent to. But, if that doesn’t keep you in line, then threats of death are their final solution. This I’m sad to say crosses all boundaries, both religion, and family. No one is safe from extremist views and values. If you do not conform, you shall be punished even unto death.
Coming out is supposed to be a good thing. Don’t they say that the truth shall set you free? I was about to do just that, first to my immediate family and then others that I believed I could trust. Sad to say as is in many of the cases in LGBTQA life stories, truth and freedom never seem to go hand in hand. In fact the truth may set you free, of your job, family, and life itself. As I was about to find out, the righteous find that their truth is the only truth, and woe be it to those that deny it.
I had come home to tell my wife the good news, or at least I thought it was good. The reason why I had such a hard time with sex, that there wasn’t anything wrong with her. That it has been me all this time. That I was gay. That we could still work together to take care of the family and grandkids. That I still loved her. This was all things that I hoped to say, but when I came home I realized that I couldn’t say anything. I was afraid, I was worried how she would take it. So, I kept my discovery to myself for the time being. The next day I went to talk to one of my step daughters, hoping that I might be able to talk to her gay friend, and enlist his support or at least any ideas on how to go about telling people about this new revelation of mine. It was during our talk that she asked why I wanted to meet her friend and I blurted out that I was gay.
There are days that I wish I had never done it, that I kept it to myself or told my wife first. Pandora’s Box was open, and I was about to pay for saying and living my truth. Her frighteningly extreme anger caught me off-guard, she told me to go tell my wife right away or she would, that I was wrong and that I need to talk to a pastor. I started trying to explain parts of my past, how it was very obvious it was, that this was true. It only upset her worse, so I fled. I went back home upset and worried that she had already called my wife, but thankfully she let me do this. As I sat my wife down and explained to her what had been happening in the last few weeks and what I found out.
She was stunned,
she couldn’t see it, and didn’t we have a wonderful life?
Wasn’t she enough?
Why? Why did I have to say this, be this way?
I was wrong she said.
I’m sorry I said, this is my truth.
We spent that whole day talking and crying, the grand kids went to stay with their mom, and we talked into the night. One of us hoping that the other was wrong, and the other, sad to say, wishing that this all had never happened.
The breaking had begun.
Editor’s Note: To read Queer as me – Part 13: Threats and fleeing for my life, click here. Or click here to read the previous blog post Queer as me – Part 11: Coming to terms, For the latest LSOP blog posts and so much more, make sure to add us on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram.