Queer as me – Part 45: Skin tones and trust

• Posted on 22 July 2017
• By Rachael
• Posted in Personal Stories, Queer as me, Trans
• 0

This post is PART 45 in a guest blogger series following author Rachael's transition from an A.M.A.B (Assigned Male at Birth) individual to that of a self-identified trans woman.

If you are just discovering Queer as me, start the story from the beginning here.

In my hurry to start being my authentic self, I tried to also rush through my learning of makeup. Which in hindsight, didn’t work, but I went through many trials and errors before I could find just a simple foundation that would work for my skin tone.  I was finally able to use a high-end foundation from Sephora that would help cover most of my face but still, couldn’t find one that would truly cover my five o’clock shadow. Luckily I was able to get a trans friend's referral for a TV makeup stick that worked great. But after a few months of learning how to apply it, I found that it was getting difficult to procure it from the manufacturers. Not only that, but I was becoming allergic to some of the ingredients in the stick itself.

I was fortunate that Deva Dave who had been ordering it for me at his shop, also knew of a place that would have something similar. It was at a store surprisingly called Don’s Hobby Shop of all things. Besides hundreds of costumes, they had a phenomenal staff who were so sweet and kind in all kinds of makeup knowledge. Including an in depth learning of play, TV, and show makeup. I was able to find a stick that would be a tiny bit off of the original colour but would cover fine. Now that I had a blank canvas for my face, I had to find the rest of facial support. Mascara, lip liner, contour makeup, blush, eye shadow, and finally eyeliner, OMG, learning makeup was one of the most rewarding and yet extremely frustrating things I have ever had to learn on my own in my entire life. I was trying to find the types of makeup that other Trans girls would use on YouTube, but I found that they were either too expensive or not available in Canada.

On top of the financial problem, my anxiety in passing, and even my inability in asking about makeup from anyone working at Shoppers Drug Mart, I had to pick and choose, blind. My hope was that my choices would give me something resembling a female face. Once, after using what I thought was eye shadow, was, in fact, my gel eyeliner. I spent the rest of the night trying to scrub away at the raccoon eyes I had made with my mistake, angry tears running down my face.

I had hoped to go out that night with friends with my first trial with a face full of makeup. But instead, I spent the night in utter frustration, and despair that I would never be able to do this. The next morning, I woke up determined to find a way. I went online and spent days googling high-end professional makeup and then searched for the shoppers or drugstore equivalent. I was able to slowly over the period of just a single year make a face for myself, one that would more match my interior vision of myself. It was an incredibly slow and very painful process, trust me scrubbing your face at least twice a day can be very painful but I was finally starting to look like myself.

Rachael

Editor’s Note: To read Queer as me – Part 46: Voice...FAILURE, click here. Or click here to read the previous blog post Queer as me – Part 44: Passing as myself. For the latest LSOP blog posts and so much more, make sure to add us on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram.