This post is PART 40 in a guest blogger series following author Rachael's transition from an A.M.A.B (Assigned Male at Birth) individual to that of a self-identified trans woman.
If you are just discovering Queer as me, start the story from the beginning here.
The next few months were ones of excitement and worry. The changes couldn’t seem to come quick enough, but when they did, it was like something that you barely noticed out of the corner of your eye. I never realized how much hormones really affect how you perceive the world and yourself. I starting noticing changes in the way that I did things, and surprisingly on what I like to eat. I never thought hormones would change how things tasted. But I slowly started to enjoy healthier foods, and chocolate becomes a whole new food group. My goodness that stuff tastes phenomenal. I never realized until I was on estrogen, how really good chocolate tastes. It could easily become an addiction if I didn’t watch myself.
Not only was my taste buds changing, but my relationship with temperature became different as well. I got cold so much more easily, and I started to wear a light jacket outside more times than not. I started to be aware of body language much more than I ever did. Some things did take the time to appear, like breast growth. Now my chest which was never that sensitive became much more so, I could feel a breeze move across me, and I started to perceive the world around me as much more of an interesting thing than previously. One thing that seems to have changed is the way that I can hear the inflection in another person’s words. So many changes. Yet there were more to come.
I decided that since I was starting my life anew, that I needed to get my own place. It was wonderful to see my mom and my stepdad every day, but I was quite sure that they would like their peace and quiet back. My emotions had slowly started to thaw. I could change in an instance. From happy to angry to sad, and back again in a blink of an eye. What a roller coaster. This was something I was unprepared for.
The only emotion I was allowed to have growing up as a perceived male was anger. I could have as much of that as I wanted, but no others. My resentment from over a decade of physical and emotional bullying gave me a river of anger to use whenever I required it. But I never liked getting angry, I didn’t like the lack of control I had, especially when I couldn’t focus on my thoughts while being upset.
But now, the simplest things would make me laugh, or cry at the drop of a hat it seemed. I could be watching a show on baby animals, and it would touch me in ways it never did before. Even what I like to watch changed as well, I wasn’t interested in violent shows anymore. Although they never did anything for me, the rush watching them did. But now I like things that were more about working things out and cutting out a lot of the conflict. By this time, I was trying to come up with the funds to move, but living in Calgary isn’t cheap.
By luck, I had a friend that was looking to move out of the expensive downtown apartment he had, and he asked if I wished to move in with him.So, when the offer came I jumped at the chance. Knowing that he was my friend and being also part of the queer spectrum I didn’t have to worry about him being interested in me as anything other than a roommate and good friend. The next big step was starting and I was glad to be able to continue my journey growing upward and outward.
Editor’s Note: To read Queer as me – Part 41: Moving Forward, click here. Or click here to read the previous blog post Queer as me – Part 39: Hormones. For the latest LSOP blog posts and so much more, make sure to add us on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram.