Queer as me – Part 29: Trusting and learning

• Posted on 7 January 2017
• By Rachael
• Posted in Personal Stories, Queer as me, Trans
• 0

This post is PART 29 in a guest blogger series following author Rachael's transition from an A.M.A.B (Assigned Male at Birth) individual to that of a self-identified trans woman.

If you are just discovering Queer as me, start the story from the beginning here.

As soon as the door to our room closed my roommate asked me if I knew of anyway that he could get two hundred and fifty dollars. I was like a job? He laughed and said no seriously, was there any place that could borrow or lend him that much money right away? I apologized and said no I didn’t think of anything besides the usual money lenders, but those were all based on the idea of having a job and a place to stay. He dropped dejected on to his bed, placing his hands on his face. I asked why? What was that amount of money so important? He sighed, and pushing his fingers over his hair. He explained that he had a chance at a basement suite but needed that amount as a deposit. He didn’t get his government check for another two weeks, and the person could only hold it until Friday. Which was in two days. I told him that I was sorry but I was broke until then as well. He apologized on breaking up my conversation, but this was his best chance of getting off the streets and out of the men’s shelters.

I told him that I hoped he found something or some way to get it. He waved me away when I got up off my bed, so I turned and walked out leaving him alone with his thoughts. When I came back out of the room my tall friend was gone and it was quiet as most others had also retired to their rooms or had gone out. That gave me the idea to go ask if I could leave as well, I hadn’t talked to my mom or anyone else since I got in here and I’m sure that they were worried about me. I was lucky, the doctor had given his okay, I could have a pass for an hour for that day and then after my next meeting on the following day he would decide if I could have more. I was happy to know that bit of information as I had forgotten to ask when my next appointment would be.

As soon as I was given my cell phone back I left through the large doors and following hospital signage I finally made it outside. It was cold, but I felt like I could finally stretch and breathe for the first time in days. If I thought that I could go far, I was sadly mistaken though as I saw a few security guards watching me. Which I guess was usual as the arm band that I was still sporting showed that I was a patient, not to mention the hospital garb. So I called my mom and work, lied to my work saying that I wouldn’t be in the next day as I was calling in sick with a severe migraine. I told my mom that I was okay, and that I hoped to be home sometime soon. I didn’t have a date yet, but I was hoping that I would be back before Sunday. That gave me five days to figure out how to get past the doctors.

But to be honest, I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to kill myself anymore. Maybe I might be able to be myself, and live. Pondering these and other things I went back to the ward once more. I gave the nurse my cell phone once I re-entered the ward, she smiled and thanked me for coming back.  

Rachael

Editor’s Note: To read Queer as me – Part 30: Judgement, click here. Or click here to read the previous blog post Queer as me – Part 28: Revelations For the latest LSOP blog posts and so much more, make sure to add us on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram.