This post is PART 28 in a guest blogger series following author Rachael's transition from an A.M.A.B (Assigned Male at Birth) individual to that of a self-identified trans woman.
If you are just discovering Queer as me, start the story from the beginning here.
I spent the rest of that day deep in thought. I could tell that most of the other patients were also quietly introspective on the day that the doctors were here. I never thought much of my orientation prior to coming out first as Trans, and then as a gay male. I have always been a person of emotions. I always looked to others to give me direction in life, and now I was being pointed to an open road and given my head to run until I found myself. I found tall friend had come out and was standing at the dining window. I went over and asked after him, he said that he may be let out in a few days once they were able to stabilize his depression. I asked if he liked that idea, he was indifferent to it at the moment, but assured me that he would learn to live again. He asked how my first appointment went and I explained what the doctor said.
He laughed and said that he could tell that I was queer in some way, as that was what drew him to me in the first place. His gaydar was strong, he remarked. I was startled to realize that I registered on it. I kept thinking of all this as a recent thing. Something that had changed only in the last few years. But now with what I knew, I was beginning to understand slowly that the doctor might be right after all. That I had always been different, and it was that undercurrent of queerness that caused people to attack me, both physically and mentally all my life. I didn’t fit in what society would classify as “normal,” so people’s fear of the unknown was the only way they could see me. Since I never realized any of this growing up, my life was one of pain and hardship. I couldn’t tell anyone what I was as I had no reference to this way of thinking of my identity.
The world had made this part of the population invisible. I didn’t hear about any of this because I was kept from it. Either by concern, fear of it being true, or the lack of information on otherness. We had just started to discuss this among ourselves, when my roommate came up to our table and asked if he could talk to me about something fairly urgent. I apologized to my roommate that we were talking about something very important and, I didn’t get to finish as he banged his hand against the table, pleading me to come talk in our room. I looked at my friend and he shrugged so I left a little bit perturbed to find out what was so bloody important that he had to be rude about it.
Editor’s Note: To read Queer as me – Part 29: Trusting and learning, click here. Or click here to read the previous blog post Queer as me – Part 27: Am I a monster? For the latest LSOP blog posts and so much more, make sure to add us on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram.