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Dirty Horoscopes - September 2017

Dirty Horoscopes - September 2017

Want to know what the stars have in store for you (in bed)? Little Shop of Pleasure's team of psychics divine the cosmos (or, you know, whatever) and let you know what the universe has to say about your sex life in our monthly Dirty Horoscopes.



Tits, nipples, ta-tas, The Pointer Sisters, boobie toppers- whatever you call them, when was the last time you gave your nips a bit of loving, Aries? Mammaries are something that we all have in common, but a lot of us don’t put them to full use in the bedroom- and don’t think that just because you don’t have a handful, or they are covered in hair that you should have fun without them. Anyone with tatas can benefit from nipple clamps, for example, which offer a huge range of sensation from "just for decoration" all the way up to "excruciating".



Being an adult sucks sometimes. Between bills, jobs, and grown-up responsibilities... don’t you wish you could be a kid again? Well, this month might be the time for you space bulls to let out your inner calf! Age play is a form of power dynamic play that involves a consenting adult acting/dressing/getting taken care of like a child. It could include cute outfits, kid-friendly foods, colouring books, and cartoon shows about pink ponies. What age people play entails can vary from person to person- some like to regress to a crawling toddler, while some like to act like a spoiled teenager. But one thing they all have in common is a feeling of freedom from adult responsibilities- at least for a while.



Do you have a garden Gemini? With Aquarius staying in a very long retrograde in your sign this month, you might be thinking about doing more than just wetting your plants. Urination is often seen as dirty, gross, and unsanitary, but healthy people with healthy diets can have completely sterile urine- not that you have to ingest any (unless you want to). Sometimes the sweet release of literally letting yourself go can be just what the space doctor ordered. Find a friend, lay down some poly, or get into the bath tub and relax, letting yellow passion flow through you and into your undies. It can be embarrassing to think about, but that’s exactly what some people like.



Showing off your body under the sun doesn’t have to be embarrassing, Cancer! Get out there and shake what your momma gave you! Make sure you keep things legal, but that low cut top or tiny short shorts could be just the thing you need to recharge your solar batteries before the sun runs away for the winter. People think you've got too much hair? Worried people will be staring at your cellulite? Or judge you for too much bulge in your shorts or too little bulge in your shirt? Forget about them! Cancer, you are a sun god/goddess and they can keep their eyes to themselves if they don’t want to be blessed with your presence.


Leo Symbol

There is something about leather that brings out the primal side of people. Seeing a sexy cowgirl showing off her luscious legs in lovely leather boots, or the sight of a buff body builder with bulging biceps wearing nothing but chaps can make anyone’s head turn. But what about the people that don’t want to indulge in leather or animal products? There is a growing line of vegan and animal free products that can give the same look as a pair of tight leather short shorts but cruelty-free! Even BDSM equipment now commonly comes in pleather and other alternative leather materials. Get out on the prowl for some more circle-of-life friendly gear.


Virgo Symbol

Are you feeling sleepy Virgo? Look at this swinging watch and take a deep breath….hold it….and let go…. Hypnosis has been around since humans were building pyramids, and it has been used sexually for just as long.  Trust is a huge factor in any kink and if your one of the lucky ones that can use sexual hypnosis there are lots of online files to help you slip deep… deeper into stillness and relaxation. In your mind count down from ten, take a deep breath between each number 10......9.......8....



Have you ever heard of the Kinsey scale? According to studies conducted by Alfred Kinsey and the research institute that bears his name, 100% heterosexuality is a lot rarer than most people think. The Calgary Pride Festival is still happening, and if you've had lingering doubts about your heterosexuality, now might be the time to explore. Calgary has lots of places to find a potential partner- there are bars and clubs around town, active local online communities, and tons of dating apps that help like-minded people make connections. And LGBTQ events in Calgary are more and more common each year, even outside of the city’s Pride Festival. Be true to yourself, Libra, and exploring your sexuality can be a life changing event.


Scorpio Symbol

Have you been doing the one hand dance with yourself for a little too long? Odds are you're not going to find a partner sitting around the house. It's time to get out there, Scorpio, and getting your dance card punched starts with making sure you've dressed the part. We would not suggest blue jeans and flannel if you're looking thrash out with a metal head, and maybe skip the bell bottom pants and velvet shirt if you're looking to rope yourself up a cowboy to square dance. Dress for the partner you want- not the partner you currently have... your hand won't care if you're wearing your best work boots, but a potential mate might be upset that you wore them to the ballet.



Expressing yourself and letting go this month might be hard for you, Sagittarius. Go for a run until you're out of breath, read a passionate, heart-wrenching book, sing karaoke like no one is watching, or watch a sports event and get lost in the rally cries of the crowd. Our resident soothsayer suggests that letting go and showing deep emotion is just what the stars are calling for you. when was the last time you had a good hard cry? Not all tears have to be from loss- in fact, some people that have a good cry after an intense play session feel that it's a great way to relax and let themselves loose from their life’s problems. Ask your partner for an extra long spanking session next time you want to feel some deep, tear jerking emotions in a safe and caring environment.


Capricorn Symbol

Keep your eyes peeled, Capricorn, because you might be sitting right next to a real-life star and never know it. Private, professional, provocative, perverted, and passionate pornographers are living among us, and that hunky guy doing road work across the street might be laying pipe by day and laying pipe on film at night. Porn-Hub and other major adult video sights have been paying amateur porn stars for quite a few years now, and it's their fastest growing section in the last decade. Maybe showing off your horizontal dance moves online is in your future?



As your main planets inverse retrograde, you will be experiencing some changes this month, Aquarius. You may even find that your sense of taste is suddenly a little off. Don't worry if you favourite sandwich doesn't taste just right, or if that brand of wine you have been drinking for years is slightly more dry then normal- it will pass. But in the meantime, why not take advantage of this temporary change of taste? One way to explore is to try a flavored lube in the bedroom- and if you're not much of a strawberry banana person, some companies offer fancy flavours like mint chocolate or tiramisu!


Have you ever looked at a guy in tight jeans and wondered how the other side lives?  Some people use gender expression to show the world who they are, some use it to hide away, and some people use it in the bedroom. Exploring gender fluidity could be a fun new thing you do, or an empowering journey of self discovery! Many people without penises find that wearing a fake one (called a packer) can be super empowering. Even if they don’t use it in the bedroom, the feeling of a bulging package can give some penis-less people an extra spring in their step. If you wanted to take things to the next level, look at getting a strap on and ask your partner for a blowjob- trust us, the view from up there is awesome!



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