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Queer as me – Part 32: Beginning the journey with eyes wide open

Queer as me – Part 32: Beginning the journey with eyes wide open

This post is PART 32 in a guest blogger series following author Rachael's transition from an A.M.A.B (Assigned Male at Birth) individual to that of a self-identified trans woman.

If you are just discovering Queer as me, start the story from the beginning here.



The next few months after I left Peter Lougheed were one of wonderment. With the continued support of therapists and councilors, I was able to come to terms with being a transgender woman. The ability to come home to my mom’s place helped so much. To have a parent who completely loves you, enough to let you be your genuine self, is a treasure beyond compare. It helped that I had a few family members who didn’t desert me while I was slowly learning about my true self.



A younger sister who was overjoyed to know that I would be around and that I was no longer a “believer”. My step father who allowed me to have a non-judgmental man who I could look up to. But people did ask me what I have done to reach out to my other family members. Those who thought that my transition is not natural, or that I may be possessed or have some sort of mental disease.



Well, for those individuals, I have had to step away from their toxic ideas that would have caused me too much pain and suffering. I think that I have the right to be able to be who I choose to be, and not what others wish of me. I truly believe that. It was with those thoughts and ideas that I embarked on the path of being Trans.



I already knew that it wouldn’t be easy, I also knew that I could die. The statistics are there. Too many people fear us, and in fearing us they would try to wipe us off the face of the earth. This too is very evident in the hundreds of Trans’ deaths each year.



But I knew that I couldn’t be anybody but myself.


If in doing so I had to lose my life?


So be it.



I’d rather die true to who I am, then spend another day trying and failing to be that “man” that society had tried and ultimately failed to make me into.


Fatalistic thinking?



No, but maybe a bit too realistic. I know that I no longer wished to give up living. Now that I knew I could truly be me, I was willing to fight. I would fight, and part of that fight would be to continue to get help and support from Calgary Outlink. So many people were helping me learn about Transgender history, and those who came before. I even went to group meetings to meet others similar to myself, which helped more than you could ever know.



I had also found out that Transitioning was going to be a life consuming process. Depending on how far you need to transition you may find that it can take years or even decades to fully get to the point where you are finally living your authentic self. The cost can also run into the hundreds and even possibly, thousands of dollars. It is quite possible that you may have to give up ideas of owning your own home, going to get a degree from university, or even having children. Those are the only choices that you have control over while transitioning.



So I had to decide how far I was willing to go to be true to myself. Even if I was one of the few who had to spend the next several years working towards my goal, I had already been through so much, and I had already sacrificed family, lifelong friends, and my faith. The cost financially wouldn’t deter me from transitioning. One day I would look back on all of this and know, that deep down inside it was all worth it.



I had decided.


had to be true to myself, and so the journey began anew.





Editor’s Note: To read Queer as me – Part 33: Trains, brains, and the Doctor’s assistant, click here. Or click here to read the previous blog post Queer as me – Part 31: The cost of freedom. For the latest LSOP blog posts and so much more, make sure to add us on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram.


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