This post is PART 26 in a guest blogger series following author Rachael's transition from an A.M.A.B (Assigned Male at Birth) individual to that of a self-identified trans woman.
If you are just discovering Queer as me, start the story from the beginning here.
He quickly apologized and while introducing himself, he said that he didn’t mean to scare me, he wasn’t going to hurt me. I was wary though and sat across from him instead of beside him on the couch that he quickly laid on. He got up quickly a moment later when my tall friend came stumbling out of his room tears falling on the floor in front of him. He was sobbing hard and loud, we both stopped talking as he walked around the room to then returned, closing his door behind him. After seeing this, my roommate turned to me and quickly told me that there was nothing to fear from being his roommate, and walked off to our room closing the door behind him.
Whew, well, I decided that I could just stay on this couch until bedtime thank you very much. Then hopefully my roommate would be asleep. I read every old magazine there, it was all so superficial though. I tried to keep my mind occupied, but it was too shallow to compete with my dark thoughts. It was just as I threw down a tattered copy of time, that I heard a sound out beyond the big metal doors. It was those that closed us off to this wing from the rest of the hospital. I was worried that someone new was being admitted but my fears were unfounded and I laughed as I could tell by the squeak of the turning wheels that supper was about to be here.
At least i could pick food i liked while on my forced convalescence. Because comfort food was just the right distraction from the thoughts spinning around in my head at that particular moment. I ate it all fairly quickly though, not only to keep my spirits up, but to be finished before most of the others came out of their rooms. I waited watching my tall friend's room to see if he would come out, but he may have fallen asleep as he didn’t show. Another hour on the couch, and I was tired enough not to care that I had a roommate that may or may not be violent. I went back into our room and thankfully he was snoring away. I was so relieved, that I laid down and surprisingly fell into a deep restful sleep.
When I awoke the next morning, I was alone in our room, to which I was surprisingly thankful for. As I came out of the room, it seemed to me that the whole floor was full of others looking quite busy. Almost everyone was out and taking to some new nurse or councilor. I must have been exhausted enough that I didn’t hear any of this going on while I slept. I even slept through breakfast, because the only tray left was mine. At least my breakfast was just cold cereal, so I ate while watching the other patients walk off to different rooms. I’m guessing the doctor was in, as most of them went to one of two rooms that looked like conference rooms.
I was so intent on watching them that I didn’t notice that my roommate had come back through the wards locked doors. I returned my tray and starting walking towards him. I could see that he had given the nurse a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. I went to the nurse’s station and asked if I could leave. I pointed to the cigarettes. He asked my name and after reading from some notes that I’m assuming were on my chart, apologized and told me that until I saw the doctor I couldn’t leave. I needed to be assessed before I was given the ability to leave this floor he continued. It was just proper procedures.
I automatically apologized, the disappointment in my voice making him frown. I explained that I wasn’t aware of the requirements as I had never been in a place like this. Just as I was turning away, another nurse came up to me informing me that I had my initial appointment to see the doctor in two hours and did I read the paperwork? Startled, I replied yes I did, and before I could say anything else she just nodded her head and went to speak to another one of the patients. Since there seemed to be nothing else to do, I returned to the now empty living room.
I now had some time to think prior to seeing the doctor. I was hoping they would let me leave soon as I had to work in two days. Patience has never been my strong suit though, and as I wandered around the floor wanting the wait to be over, I became lost in my thoughts. I wondered what would happen once it was my turn. Then, when it almost felt like I had covered every inch of the waiting room at least twice, I was finally called. Straightening my hospital clothes, and trying not to look nervous, I took a deep breath, and I walked into the conference room.
Editor’s Note: To read Queer as me – Part 27: Am I a monster?, click here. Or click here to read the previous blog post Queer as me – Part 25: Wisdom from unexpected places, For the latest LSOP blog posts and so much more, make sure to add us on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram.