This post is PART 18 in a guest blogger series following author Rachael's transition from an A.M.A.B (Assigned Male at Birth) individual to that of a self-identified trans woman.
If you are just discovering Queer as me, start the story from the beginning here.
A quick step back, it was during the time that I had been waiting on the government to confirm who I was, I had tracked down a place called Calgary Outlink. It was a hub of LGBTQIA2S information. Not only did they have various support groups, as well as a small volunteer based self-help / information phone support. They had the one thing I was desperately looking for, a councilor who I could actually trust.
Trust has always been an issue with me, as I always found that people never wanted to listen to all my “WHY” questions. The whole reason I went down to Outlink, was I was planning on going to a men’s support group. I was incredibly nervous, and just by chance met up with the executive director of Outlink. They were Trans. I was stunned, I hadn’t met anyone who identified as Trans in a position of authority. That in and of itself was probably one of the main reason why I felt a lot safer being there. Although I was still nervous, but it was so much better knowing that this was a safe space.
So, for a few months, I was busy enough between group meetings, counseling, and work that I started to think that I could do this. I could live my life as a gay man, and that I could have a happy future just being me. Sadly, it was not to be. I had started my job on December 22nd 2012, and by January 2013 I was getting enough hours that I could think of possibly moving out on my own in the near future. It was near this last week of January that I started to feel different, I wasn’t feeling right, I wish I could explain it, but something wasn’t right, and it was beginning to affect not only my mental state but my inner drive to work. As the first week of February rolled around it was becoming clearer that my identity as gay man was starting to fray.
I was so sure that I was gay, my reactions to men proved that to me, but my attractions were starting to wane, to the point of stopping all together. I didn’t know what was going on, and my outward displays of femininity was growing stronger. It was while I was on the way home from work one day that dysphoria hit me so hard that I collapsed on the ground just blocks from home. It was so, so very strong. I had extreme vertigo, and could barely climb to my feet, clutching the tree beside for support.
No, this couldn’t be I told myself, I wasn’t Transgender. I can’t be, please God, this can’t be happening again. As I stumbled into the house, I was starting to cry, I made it to my room and in tears fell into an exhausted sleep. When I awoke for supper I was numb.
The shock of the dysphoria was so profound that it pushed all other thoughts or desires away. Supper was a quiet affair, as I didn’t feel like talking much less putting food into a body and mind that were betraying me. As I said good night, I came up with the excuse that I was overly tired and didn’t feel good. I lay in bed stifling my sobs into my pillows, knowing that I couldn’t live like this. I can’t be Transgender it’s not possible.
As sleep overtook me, my last thought followed me into nightmares. What is wrong with me?
Editor’s Note: To read Queer as me – Part 19: Desolation and final decisions, click here. Or click here to read the previous blog post Queer as me – Part 17: Proving yourself all over again, For the latest LSOP blog posts and so much more, make sure to add us on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram.