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Dirty Horoscopes - October 2017

Dirty Horoscopes - October 2017

Want to know what the stars have in store for you (in bed)? Little Shop of Pleasure's team of psychics divine the cosmos (or, you know, whatever) and let you know what the universe has to say about your sex life in our monthly Dirty Horoscopes.



Is there a bad moon on the rise? You and your primal side will be in a battle for control this month, and it’s important to keep your inner beast locked up until you can find an appropriate time to let out your monster. Going out in the moonlight and show your lover just how wild you can be! There are a few more nights left before the winter chill grasps the air, so make the best of it.



A few candles, soft music, the smell of lavender, warm water, fuzzy towels- the perfect romantic bath! But what’s the lurking in the water? Something wicked this way floats! Don’t be afraid to splash around this month, Taurus. The bathroom sets the perfect scene to try out some more of the messy things you and your partner might have been thinking about in the black lagoon of your mind.



Now is the perfect time to try out the new you! This is NOT an excuse to be an asshole, but when you hit the Halloween parties this year no one will know your alter ego under the mask, so go to that new night club where you don’t think you will fit in! Stand up straight, talk to that pretty girl dressed like Cleopatra, experiment with different dances and people! Or maybe you want to explore your softer side… you don’t have to be the life of the party, let your friends go have fun on their own. Maybe part of your costume is being a wallflower.



Are you in need of a roll in the hay this month, Cancer? You don’t need to enlist the help of a mad scientist to create the perfect mate- some (probably mostly sane) scientists have already done the work for you, and created all sorts of fantastical devices designed to fulfill your every desire! Take a trip through the uncanny valley and see what your local sex store has to offer. While you won’t find the macabre bride of your dreams, there will be a whole lot less sewing and lightening involved, so…


Leo Symbol

Sometimes we get home from a busy day at work and all you want to do is turn your brain off and shamble onto the sofa for the rest of the night. It’s not always a bad thing to create distance from the distractions of the day and let yourself fall into a basic instinct to eat… or fuck. Going numb with yourself or your lover might is the best way to distract your braaaaains from all the daily problems of living.


Virgo Symbol

Do you like being held close? A tight sweater around your chest? Some leggings grabbing your behind and between your legs in just the right way? Why not go all the way and wrap yourself up like the kings and queens of old. Mummification is still alive and well in the kink community (incidentally, Miss Aayden is facilitating Mummification for the Beginner on October 21st). If this appeals to you, ask your lover if they can wrap you up before you play next time. Always make sure you’re playing safe and don’t find yourself up the Nile without a paddle.


Libra Symbol

Did someone just walk past you like you weren’t there? Is the thought of being unseen more than a little intriguing? Voyeurism is a exciting fetish for people that might be feeling a little invisible this month. Exploring this kink can be as simple as watching a live web cam- or, if your feeling adventurous, checking out a swingers or dogging club in town to watch the real thing like a fly on the wall. Remember, consent is key, but it’s not that hard to find people who want to show off if you know where to look.


Scorpio Symbol

You’re out for a midnight walk and you see a flash in the sky, next thing you remember you wake up on a cold metal table with weird looking gray things that have huge eyes and small tiny hands working to expose you and touching your most sensitive areas. Playing with our embarrassments or what parts of our body we are humiliated about can be hard for some but LOTS of kinks revolve around humiliating of some type. Nothing more open and honest then being naked on a table while someone explores your body in all its nude glory.



Did something just move in the shadows? Are the lights flickering? Have you been hearing strange things go bump in the night… and you feel a little jealous? Keep the lights off next time you play with yourself and our local medium (at least that’s what his underwear says) suggests TOTAL darkness. Explore your body with no visual aids, let your mind run wild on who or what is caressing you. That finger tease between your legs might not be ethereal, but it’s a great way to explore yourself and help heighten your other senses.


Capricorn Symbol

Does something smell funny to you? What’s that sticking between your fingers? Why does it taste so salty? Or would you rather something sweet to lick up off your partner? This month is just the right time to make things extra messy in the bed room. Feel free to start with chocolate sauce, but maybe you want to get extra sticky with some honey? Try using ice scream to add in a cold sexy sensation, or perhaps basting your partner in some warmed-up BBQ sauce might be a way to heat things up between the sheets. Remember to keep sugar filled products away from your genitals, and maybe put down some towels… or a tarp!



Imagine if you will, you’re walking home on a late night after a few drinks with friends, and you wonder, how long has that car been following you? You get closer to home and walk a little faster, positive that you’re being followed. Just as you’re about to put your keys in the door, something grabs you and spins you around. “PINEAPPLE!” you yell, shocked, happy, and relieved to see your lover standing behind you. Consensual “non-consent”, or “struggle snuggles”, as some people call them, can be an exciting and taboo idea for many people. ALWAYS remember safe words and thorough discussion of everyone’s needs before hand. It can be a trigger filled road to walk down, so communication is imperative.



Tonight, you’re going to suck! And sucking can be lots of fun! If you’re not into manually wrapping your lips around your partner, engorging their tasty bits with blood, look for some silicone suction to help you out. Pumps are not just for the penis wielding- clitoral or vulval pumps can also be used to draw more blood to the genitals, making them hyper sensitive to touch. And new on the scene are air pulsators like the Womanizer, which deliver pinpoint suction to the body’s most sensitive parts.


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