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Dirty Horoscopes - May 2019

 Dirty Horoscopes - May 2019

Want to know what the stars have in store for you (in bed)? Little Shop of Pleasure's team of psychics divine the cosmos (or, you know, whatever) and let you know what the universe has to say about your sex life in our monthly Dirty Horoscopes.




You will have Saturn to thank for the heavy drive to beat your personal bests this month. The need to set a new high score in the bedroom might lead you to long, hard 'gaming' sessions. Just remember to drink lots of fluids, keep some snacks on hand, and if your legs start to go numb, stand up and get the blood flowing before you go back to the task at hand. Or hands...




Not all of us are born with your natural gifts, Taurus. Some people might take years to learn what you can do in moments. For instance, you've had years of practice getting yourself off while your partner might have just started learning this new and exciting skill a few hours ago. Take some time to think about what you would tell someone about how to please you. Even if it's just an exercise in self pleasure, this could be a great way to rethink what exactly gets you off. It could be helpful to write these instructions down and reflect on what it takes to make you feel like the sex god/dess you are.




Sex isn't a sport, but sometimes you can have lots of fun making a game out of it. If you and your partner like to play around with each other, then try taking turns with one another orgasms. Take 'control' for a round and tell them exactly what to do with themselves. Show them the porn/erotica to watch, make them put on a sex show for you that also lets them enjoy themselves. But don't be mean or too lewd for them, because right after their fun it's your turn to be under their control. Don't worry, single Gemini, because there are lots of ways to play this game solo. Try looking online for JOI (Jack/Jill off instruction) videos or Faproullet images and see what random, saucy fun you can get up to.




Do you have any sexy super powers? Do you have a tongue that could lap a thousand armies? A body that could burn out a thousand bullet vibes? Whip tossing skills that could put a cat-suit-wearing thief to shame? Show it off! Make it fun and silly, just like the comic books. Costumes are a great way to feel super-humanly sexy, even if your mild-mannered alter ego is a little sheepish. The masked hero "Wonder Stud" doesn't have to worry about his stretch marks, only thing on his mind should be how to 'punish' the evil "Dr. Kitten".




Leo Symbol
The days are getting longer, the sun is spending more time in the sky, and with all this warmth and heat washing over your body you might need to find a way to cool down. Ice is a good way to drop the temperature, but what about some cold hard steel? Metal toys can be tossed in the fridge to add the thrill of the chill to your bedroom activities. Some people put their toys in the freezer, but watch out about sticking to your toy like a flagpole in the winter.




Virgo Symbol

Jupiter will be gifting you this month with a little more swing to your step; the beat of life will have you tapping your toes and grooving to the sounds around you. Whether you're by yourself or with a partner, bring this musical mastery into the bedroom. The added rhythm of making love with a steady beat can help get you in a groove! Keeping time with some heavy rock could add a little extra roll to any impact play, letting your partner know exactly when to expect the next addition to the songs percussion. See if you can make your partner or yourself hit the high notes this month with some background jams in the bedroom.




Libra Symbol

Good things often come in threes, Libra, and to take advantage of this you should be thinking two steps ahead in the bedroom this month. Planning a date night can be fun and exciting, but what about planning three in a row? Start off like it's your first date with fast food and a movie, then next time your on date night take things further with a sit down meal and some heavy petting in the car. The last of this three night session might be a romantic trip or just getting a hotel in town to mix things up. Planning ahead like this isn't just practical- the added anticipation can be nearly as sexy as the date itself.












Scorpio Symbol

We spend a lot of time on our phones- you’re probably reading this on your phone right now. There is nothing wrong with screen time, but this month draw on Pluto's creative influence to create something that you or your partner can hold in their hands. A handwritten message doesn't need to be overly poetic or long. Depending on your relationship, a simple note reminding them of why they're so special to you could be all you need to put a smile on their face. If you're a solo Scorpio try writing yourself a little love note, so that when you're having a bad day you can remind yourself that "you have a great butt".




Fast and small Mercury will be a heavy influence on you this month. Your movements will be nimble, your thoughts will be sharper, and it will feel that life is clipping along at a rapid pace. As other parts of your life speed along you might want to slow things down under the sheets. "stop and smell the roses," as it were. See just how long you can tease yourself, or keep your partner right on the edge just a few moments longer. Take the time to appreciate the build up as well as the finale, because life has a way of moving you onto the next things quicker than you imagine.




Capricorn Symbol

The feeling of the hot sun or and a nice warm breeze between your legs might sound great right about now. With the snow (hopefully) gone for the season it's time to bust out the skirts/kilts/shorts/dresses and get some sunshine. And if your modesty allows, shed those too! Get out in your backyard/deck/sun filled living room, and let the biggest thing in the sky kiss your amazing body! If you're feeling bold, even in land-locked Calgary there are a few beaches, outdoor pools, and parks where you can let your killer bod get some sunshine.




Uranus in retrograde will have you feeling some wanderlust- a need to try new things, or even new places. Take this feeling and run with it! Grab a new toy, test out a new kink, or make love to yourself or your partner in a new and interesting place in your house. How will you ever find out that the washing machine is the perfect height for doggy style, or if your kitchen table makes for a great place for bondage? Sex and kink shouldn't be trapped in the bedroom- make use of your space and see what going down on someone in the living room feels like.



You may have been looking for something new and fresh in your life, maybe fantasizing about new partner.  Chatting (or getting off with) someone online this month may be just what you need. If you have a partner, make sure that you have their consent before hand, or maybe it could be them with a little role play, or see if they want to join in on the fun with an anonymous party! If you are solo, Tinder away, Pisces, but remember it is always nice to get consent before sending strangers nudes.



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