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Dirty Horoscopes - March 2018

Dirty Horoscopes - March 2018

Want to know what the stars have in store for you (in bed)? Little Shop of Pleasure's team of psychics divine the cosmos (or, you know, whatever) and let you know what the universe has to say about your sex life in our monthly Dirty Horoscopes.



Loyalty, trusting, caring, loving unconditionally… all qualities you have this month. But you know what also shares these traits? Human’s best friend! Might be time to let out your inner doggy and see what makes your tall wag. It could be as simple as following some basic commands from your lover, sit pretty, stay, beg, lick… you can see where that’s going. Maybe you want to fully express your puppy side with a full outfit and matching tail plug? If any of this sounds like it might scratch an itch, check out CALPAH.



Holding on tight as you grip every curve, quick thrusts, skin tight outfits, your body locking as you speed closer to the finish line....you know we are talking about last month’s Olympic games, right? Speed is often looked as a bad thing in sex, but we don’t always want that 5 hour long love making session. Sometimes it’s best to make sure everyone is satisified as quick as possible!



You do your stretches before you do any physical activity, but do you remember to stretch before sex? Simple stretches can help improve flexibility, increase blood flow, improve oxygen intake, and lower the risk of strains and sprains. Any of this sound helpful in the bedroom, Gemini? Most of us can remember that one time when we pushed ourselves a little to far in the moment, and with your stamina at an all-time high this month you’d better do some shoulder rolls before you play to avoid a repeat performance.



Sometimes the stars have a fun way of making you laugh. Cancer’s ruling celestial body, the moon, was a big influence on you at the end of last month, which means that you might have been taking yourself very seriously. Well, the more playful energies or Uranus are shifting into your sign this week, and you might be in for a bit of a shock. Remember that it’s okay to laugh at yourself even (and maybe especially) in the bedroom- bodies make funny noises, people slip, hair gets caught, and pets get in the way. Rather than letting your serious side get bummed out when things don’t go perfect, try to remember to laugh- at yourself first… and then at your partner if it seems fitting.


Leo Symbol

Your time is in high demand, and you don’t want to let anyone down. Spend some time reconnecting with your partner this evening.Try a romantic and relaxing massage, to help calm yourself after a busy day.


Virgo Symbol

Neptune passing through your house will influence your energy levels this month, Virgo, and with this big boost in horsepower you’re going to need to find a way to burn it off. Join a casual sports team, or take up jogging! Exercise isn’t just a great outlet for all this extra energy you have- it’s also a massive benefit to your health, happiness, and sex life! Both your stamina and drive can improve with exercise. So enjoy this burst of vitality, Virgo, and remember to stay hydrated!


Libra Symbol

Have you ever been stuck in the snow, tires spinning, engine revving, but your car isn’t going anywhere? When this happens, there’s no shame in asking for help. If you feel that your sex life is spinning its wheels, it may be time to find some friends to give you a push. There are dozens of different adult communities around town full of welcoming and helpful people. Take a workshop, go to an event, or join a discussion group! Reaching out and talking to other like-minded people is a great way to get out of a rut- and even if your experiences don’t extend into the bedroom it’s great to find friends that are into the same things you're into.













Scorpio Symbol

It's time to take control of your sex life, Scorpio! Bold mars is a huge influence on you this month, and you should take advantage of this new star power and get what you have been craving. The first, and often hardest step to filling your sexy need is telling your partner exactly what you want and how they can give it to you. This doesn’t have to be a kink or power thing (unless you want it to be), its just saying “I want to be (blanked) in/on/with my (blank)” and helping your partner fulfill your request. In new relationships, and sometimes even in long lasting ones, a partner may never know that their paramour likes their back scratched, or their neck kissed- people aren’t psychic (except for me, obviously) and unless you tell them exactly what you like or want to try they will never know!



With a full moon book-ending the first and last day of the month your wild side will come alive, Sagittarius! If you’re feeling a little more aggressive in the bedroom (and your partner is into it), let that come out. Bite, scratch, growl, snarl, pin them down, pull their hair, let your inner beast take control for a while. Howl at the moon as you unleash the sexy beast in you.


Capricorn Symbol

The planets this month may have you feeling a little lonely in the bedroom, but that’s okay. Alone time is just what you need. Get in touch with yourself, literally touch yourself, get out your favorite toy, get in your favorite position, and go to town.



The more you try to control things the less likely they are going to go your way. Take your time, patience is key. Remember that lubrication is your best friend, and that time is an investment. It will all pay off in the end.


The approaching full moon is making you feel more confident in your choices and commitments. Now is a good time to be decisive about how to spend your time, and who to spend your time with. Use this power to connect with your dominant side in the bedroom, and take control.



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