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Dirty Horoscopes - July 2018

Dirty Horoscopes - July 2018

Want to know what the stars have in store for you (in bed)? Little Shop of Pleasure's team of psychics divine the cosmos (or, you know, whatever) and let you know what the universe has to say about your sex life in our monthly Dirty Horoscopes.




Many animals mate for a very short period of time and then leave each other right away (remind you of any exes?), but a few rare creatures- us humans included- can have multiple sessions in the same day. This might be the month for you to try out some quantity over quality. Repeated orgasms over a few hours can keep your body riding that chemical high all the way through the rest of the day or night.




A fuck-it-list is a list of things you want to try out in bed, or just some exciting sexual ideas that pop into your mind during solo sessions. With Venus in its first, and much anticipated appearance in your sign, now is the time to get things started on checking off that list. Always wanted to join the mile high club? See if there are any summer flights on sale! Three-some? Check out local swingers clubs! Sex in the public place? Look into Alberta’s many private adult campsites/trips.  




Funds might have been tight these last few months but with Uranus parking itself in your sign for almost the full lunar cycle, you should be feeling a planet sized boost to your accounts. Save your money as you see fit, but this might just be the month for that big trip, that fancy dinner, or that sexy new outfit! An investment in your happiness is well deserved this summer, and it could be something simple like some new fancy socks or something huge like a 110v silicon lover!




You might be a solo crustacean, but this is the month to come out of your shell and meet some new people. There are lots of events this summer that will force you to be around others, and now is the time to meet and greet now and exciting fish in the sea. Don’t worry about your charisma because you have the power of the sun behind you this month, and even if you trip up over your own crabby legs you will still be shiny.




Leo Symbol
Sometimes the buildup to a big event is just as much fun as the actual explosive finale. Feeling the anticipation pool up inside of you, knowing what’s going to come later but not being able to act on it now, that energy before the big moment, squirming in your seat a few hours before work’s over, every red light on the way home takes just a little longer to change. By the time you throw open your front door your body is a quivering mess, even the few short steps to the bedroom seem to take to long. Better make sure you got fresh batteries, because you’re going to be a busy lion for the next few hours.




Virgo Symbol

A strong emotional and verbal connection is needed to create the strongest romantic bonds, but sometimes we talk to damn much. Over planning a sexy scene can sometimes derail the mood or take things off topic in un-sexy ways. Virgo, this month our local star-gazer suggests trying a sexual encounter with your partner where you both make a point to say as little as possible. Use your body to express what you want, shake your top or wiggle your behind. Grunt, groan, and wail your way to bliss.




Libra Symbol

Do you or your partner have a scene you have been talking about for ages but just haven’t gotten around to trying out? This is the month to go out and get the props you need to make your sexy idea a reality! Want to suspend your lover above the bed? You can do that! See fire-flyinc.com for more information. If your sexy emigration is a little more grounded then hit up your local dollar store for some bedroom additions, rulers for that naughty schoolboy scene, cheap stockings for the ‘rip off all my clothes’ idea you have had, whatever makes your blood start pumping! Get out there and go shopping for the little extras to make the big scene a blast.












Scorpio Symbol

Do you have a erotic fantasy that just can’t happen? Sometimes our sexual desires are just make believe or just impossible to arrange (I mean, getting Marvel’s Thor and the vampire Eric from True Blood together in a room would be a nightmare). But don’t let that stifle your sexy creative juices! Write yourself some smutty fanfiction, or if you want a partner for your romantic camping trip with Wonder Woman look into ERP, or erotic role play. There are lots of resources on the net to find partners or arrange a ‘anonymous’ online meet up with your current partner.



Mercury is making an extremely short stop in your sign this month, and the trickster planet will be playing with your bedroom inclinations. This is the time to experiment with the other side of the top/bottom sub/dom coin! Are you the biggest baddest dom that ever turned someones cute behind bright bold red? What if you tried getting spanked yourself, or if you want to keep things solo, try wearing some undies more traditionally fit for the bottom/sub (cute pink panties anyone?) Do you live to please others? Are you the most comfortable on your knees? Try asking your partner to service you, and be bold about it! Skip the undies so when the time comes to be pleased your all ready to go.




Capricorn Symbol

Have you been holding back your feelings? Mars will be pushing you hard the first half of this month to open up and let others know what your thinking. That cute girl you have been secretly stealing glances at on the train ride to work will never know your feelings unless you tell her! Don’t think is only applies to single Capricorns- if your partner has been working in the garden this summer they won’t have any idea how much you love seeing them get their hands dirty if you don’t tell them!




Summer is a busy time, and with all the events and parties going on this month you might feel very overwhelmed with all the social activities you have to participate in. Venus will be in retrograde this month, and it will increase your need for alone time, but don’t let it shut you out from the sunshine and crowds. Always be safe and respectful of others, but maybe try some sneaky solo play next time you’re alone, maybe tease yourself in the car on the way home from work, or wear something a little more daring to the bar! The breeze from a short skirt or tight tank top will be welcome in the summer heat.


It’s the summer time, and with the blazing sun heating things up you might feel the need to breed growing inside of you. But with the lovely weather gives you the opportunity to travel and explore new places, if you’re lucky, with a partner. Take your bedroom activities on the road and try out your favourite mating ritual in new and exciting environment. If you’re currently a solo fish, mix things up by getting some alone time in a different part of your house or even in a different position that your used to.



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