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Dirty Horoscopes - January 2019

Dirty Horoscopes - January 2019

Want to know what the stars have in store for you (in bed)? Little Shop of Pleasure's team of psychics divine the cosmos (or, you know, whatever) and let you know what the universe has to say about your sex life in our monthly Dirty Horoscopes.




All the hustle and bustle of the last year are behind you, and it's time to be like the lazy planet Saturn and take your time. Not everything has to be a rush, and getting to the finish line in the bedroom doesn't always mean a sprint. The next time you're pleasing yourself or your partner, take the long way around and see if you can make that 30 second dash into a 30 mile marathon. Take the scenic route and maybe explore some less travelled trails.




Have you ever heard a cover of a song that you liked better than the original? Who would have thought that I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas would sound so good played on a heavy metal guitar? A lounge version of Baby Got Back? Surprisingly entertaining. This open attitude might just be what you need to shake rattle and roll some things in your bedroom. Take an old classic and add a new spin to it! Mix up materials and vibrations, see if there is a different cover of that tried and true position or toy that you love- it might just be a hit!




With everyone bundling up this season you're one lucky Gemini, because Mercury will be lending you lots of extra heat to keep that god/ess body nice and toasty. Even if you have to wear that long coat to work, whatever small and silky thing you have under will keep your thoughts hot and heavy for the ride home. Don't worry about the snow outside when you can get things melting inside with your inner fire.




Everyone wants to be wanted in one way or another, and this month Venus will have your need to be needed on overdrive. Make sure you tell your partner this! You might have to tell them "I want you to call me up and ask for alone time," because being a booty call can be just as hot as getting one. Knowing that someone is at home and waiting for you to come can make your drive that much more exciting. The feeling of being lusted over can be a exciting and intoxicating emotion when that lusting is being done by someone you care about.




Leo Symbol
Remember growing up when our parents told us "don't lick people"? Well, turns out they were a little wrong. Who would have thought that spankings are not always a bad thing? And calling people names in the right mood might be exactly what you both need. You might have grown up thinking something was "wrong" or "taboo", but it might be time to be bold like Mars this month and try something new and "forbidden".




Virgo Symbol

You might not be able to pop it and lock it, and twerking might be a completely beyond your reach, but this month the last planet in the system, Pluto (#stillaplanet) will be helping the last part of you that enters a room to look its best. A lot of people take their back ends for granted and don't think about the wondrous joys your rump can give you. Even without penetration, a perfectly positioned posterior, paired with some pleasant presentation can bring some powerful pleasures to you and your partner. Long story short, wrap that rump up like a present and blow some minds with your fine ass gift.




Libra Symbol

Black as the night or bright and bubbly? Pink like cotton candy, or dark and moody? Most people's wardrobes (and toy chests) have a distinct feeling or mood to them. If you embrace your darker side everyday then why not mix it up with something so bright and cheery it threatens to give you a cavity with how sweet it is? Do you like being the first thing someone sees when they walk into a room? How about you find a toy or outfit that plays well in the shadows to mix up your bedroom rainbow. Have fun with something small you would normally never own and see if you can find that new exciting colour in your life.












Scorpio Symbol

The holidays might have had you a little stressed over the last few weeks, but January is the time to use the calming energies of Neptune to work out your inner desires. Take a deep breath and think about what makes you feel best. Remember to relax this month and reflect on what makes you feel good- you spent a lot of time working on making others feel happy lately, so take some me time.



Vacation is over and it's time to get back to the grind of day to day life. You might be in 9-5 mode, but your imagination, with the help of Venus in retrograde, will be off in fantasy land. Don't let this inspiration pass you by! If you have a particularly hot day-dream, take a moment to write it down, or send your partner a sexy message featuring your creative desires. You might even want to share your newly crafted love story online! Who knows- this might be the month where you become the new name in erotic fiction!




Capricorn Symbol

The holiday season had you stuffed, and your mouth was filled with all sorts of exotic flavors. Your palate was probably pleased with a plethora of pleasures and powerful potent potions. With all the different tastes and temptations that were tossed towards your tongue you might be in the mood for sampling something a little more seductive and sexy. There are lots of different flavors available of lubes, lotions and magic potions to add some sugar and spice to your sexy times.




Finding what makes you feel horny online might be a struggle this month, with some popular websites changing their policies. And with busy Saturn having your mind running a mile a minute you might need to take a moment to calm down and try looking at some low tech options. Did you know your local library has a romance section? What about heading on down to the gas station and grabbing an old school porno magazine? Taking time offline is exactly what the doctor ordered.



With a partial eclipse happening during your strongest week, you might be drawing inspiration from the moon and wanting to keep the lights down low. Don't think your desire to be in the gloom as a bad thing- sometimes playing in the total dark can be fun! Not being able to see yourself and your partner will add mystery and excitement. It's a very different feeling having your eyes open and not seeing, rather then wearing a blindfold, it's a very cheap and thrilling way to change up the routine.



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