Dirty Horoscopes - January 2018

Dirty Horoscopes - January  2018

Want to know what the stars have in store for you (in bed)? Little Shop of Pleasure's team of psychics divine the cosmos (or, you know, whatever) and let you know what the universe has to say about your sex life in our monthly Dirty Horoscopes.

Aries

 

Was the man in the big red suit good to you this year? If you were a naughty stargazer, then maybe you need to go get yourself the gift you were hoping for. Give yourself a little retail therapy to take you mind far far away from the stresses of the last few holiday weeks, even if you did make it on the naughty list you deserve a treat.

Taurus

 

Washing the floors, cleaning out the car, picking up your dropped cell phone. Gemini, sometimes spending time on your knees can suck, but sometimes the best sucking happens when you’re on your knees. Servicing someone isn’t always about giving up control; it's not always easy but learning how to have your mouth busy between someone’s legs and still be the one ‘in charge’ can be a thrilling sensation for both the giver and receiver.

Gemini

 

Washing the floors, cleaning out the car, picking up your dropped cell phone. Gemini, sometimes spending time on your knees can suck, but sometimes the best sucking happens when you’re on your knees. Servicing someone isn’t always about giving up control; it's not always easy but learning how to have your mouth busy between someone’s legs and still be the one ‘in charge’ can be a thrilling sensation for both the giver and receiver.

Cancer

 

The 100m dash is a exciting race to the finish- a quick rush of adrenaline that leaves the runners panting and sweaty. Playing solo can sometimes feel like that. “Firing off a quick one” can be necessary sometimes, but dear stargazers you might want to slow things down. When you have the time to spend ‘alone’, don’t go right to your favorite porn site. Maybe skip the toy that makes you cream in moments. You might want to use your imagination or stimulate yourself manually. Take your time in reaching the end of the race, if you’re normally a mile a minute runner, see if you can last a full hour before you come across the finish line. Sometimes ending last is the best reward.

Leo

 
Leo Symbol

Chocolates and sweets are always on sale this month, but stay away from the temptation of indulging in your sweet tooth. You may be feeling a lot of temptation with Venus taking a long stay in your sign, but hold yourself back if you can. Denial is a very popular fetish, it could be as simple as saying you’er not going to please yourself over the weekend, or as in-depth as locking away your genitals and giving away the key! Short bursts of heavy teasing but denying the release has been known to produce more ejaculate in males, and many ladies say that riding the ‘edge’ of a orgasm for extended periods can have amazing effects on the length of there orgasm.

Virgo

 
Virgo Symbol

Feeling like you ate too much this holiday season? Worried about having to many curves? DON’T, dear Virgo; even if you feel like you could shed a few pounds, remember that you are a god/goddess, and be proud of what you got. Get something that hides your thick rump (if that’s what you’re afraid of) but lets your amazing chest shine. Too big of a beer belly? Keep it tucked away, but let out the gun show with a studly tank top. Find whatever makes you feel as amazing as you are and highlight it for yourself- and your partner.

Libra

 
Libra Symbol

Water parks and sprinklers might be months away dear Libra, but it’s never a bad time to think about the wet stuff in your bedroom. Even if you think you ‘don’t need lube’, its always a good thing to have around as your body's natural lubrication can change from day-to-day, and you might need some extra wetness depending on what under-the-cover activities you’re doing. There are thousands of different brands of lube, but they all break down into 4 major types: water-based, silicone-based, hybrid, and oil-based. They all have pros and cons, and depending on what you plan on doing with whom and where, the type of lubricant you need may change. Be prepared for whatever the stars toss your way, or you might end up in a dry spell.

Scorpio

 
Scorpio Symbol

Sometimes overthinking about a problem might be part of the problem dear Scorpio, and Saturn in retrograde in your sign is not going to make things any easier for you. If your worries about bedroom performance stay on your mind even as you’re getting down to the act, your thoughts may become a self-fulfilling prophecy of disappointment. Keep your mind away from what you think is your issues and focus on the good things.

Sagittarius

 

It might not be sandal weather, but when was the last time you let your toes out and had some fun. You don’t have to be a foot enthusiast to enjoy the feeling of getting your feet rubbed- even a pedicure could help relax you and take your mental focus away from you other stresses. But if you are one of the lucky ones that enjoy having your feet stimulated, take some time this month to indulge your foot love. Buy yourself some nice socks, a fancy pair of shoes, and pamper your paws!

Capricorn

 
Capricorn Symbol

Mars might have you feeling like you want to be shut in the house this month, but you still have needs... deep seeded needs that can only be filled by having something thrusted deep in one of your holes. But what’s a lonely stargazer going to do if they can’t go out and find a partner to fill that empty hole in their desires? Well, my wanting Capricorn, there is a sex toy to take care of you! Fun Factory Stronic toys are handheld thrusting devices, perfectly designed to dive into you most sensitive spots. Have no fear now you can push hard on your prostate or grind your G-spot without the help of others!

Aquarius

 

Is work stressing you out? What about the bills? Can’t forget about our relationship (or lack of) Don’t let your emotions bottle up and spill out to negatively affect your life, take some time to do whatever helps you unwind. Read a good book, play a video game, spend some time outdoors, or masturbate ‘till your legs go numb and you forget what month it is. Every orgasm releases a chemical cocktail full of pleasure, take some time to yourself without the cellphone, away from the tv, and just experience nothing but pleasure.

Pisces

 

It’s a good month to be a fish, dear Pisces, because with Jupiter relying heavily on you in the first half of this month you should have no problems finding someone to ‘dive’ in with. If you’re single, now is the time to leave your cozy shallows and head out into the deep ocean to find a new swimming partner. Already have a mate? What about looking for some other exotic fish to join in your school? Almost all dating apps can be used by couples to find another fish in the sea, or check out your local swingers club to see what the well seasoned swimmers are up to.

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