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Dirty Horoscopes - February 2019

Dirty Horoscopes - February  2019

Want to know what the stars have in store for you (in bed)? Little Shop of Pleasure's team of psychics divine the cosmos (or, you know, whatever) and let you know what the universe has to say about your sex life in our monthly Dirty Horoscopes.




Neptune is a frequently forgotten planet, and with it entering your sign at the beginning of the month,  you might be feeling a little left out yourself. Take time to make plans for yourself, with yourself! Plan a date that’s just you and your favourite pleasure tools. Hands, toys, lube, or maybe your preferred porn site. Sounds like a great way to remind yourself who is the most important person in your life... You!




Are you slouching right now, Taurus? Sit up, back straight, chin up! We often forget about how important having good posture is. Did you know that posture can be just as important in the bed room? A simple act, like arching your back, or twisting your hips, can make a world if difference. If it's masturbation, or with a partner, try shifting things around to see the difference a few inches can make this month.




Do you find you're falling into a routine with your sex life? The tried and true is nice, but can become stale over time. With Venus in retrograde demanding change, try mixing things up this month. Find some time to head home for a quickie at lunch time, tell your friends you're going to be late to your book club and have a mid-day masturbation session just to spice things up and give your body a shake.




The wanderlust of Mercury will have you wanting to explore the world around you. It might be just a walk that your soul craves, but what about exploring an often overlooked part of your body? Many people are hesitant to explore anal pleasure, but with a little prep work and a lot of lubricant can make the journey can be a pleasure cruise. Regardless of anatomy, a little pressure in the right place can make anal play very exciting.




Leo Symbol
Chocolates and sweets are everywhere this month, but try not to fall victim to seduction. You might be feeling a lot of temptation with Venus lingering in your sign, but hold yourself back if you can. Denial is a very popular fetish; It could be as simple as saying you’re not going to please yourself over the weekend, or as in-depth as locking away your genitals and giving away the key! Short bursts of stimulation, but denying the release has been known to produce more ejaculate in males. Additionally, many ladies say that riding the 'edge' of an orgasm for extended periods can have amazing effects on the length of their orgasm.




Virgo Symbol

The 100m dash is a exciting race to the finish- a quick rush of adrenaline that leaves the runners panting and sweaty. Playing solo can sometimes feel like that. "Firing off a quick one" can be necessary sometimes, but dear stargazers you might want to slow things down. When you have the time to spend 'alone', don't go right to your favourite porn site. Maybe skip the toy that makes you cream in moments. Try using your imagination, or stimulate yourself manually. If you're normally a mile a minute runner, see if you can last a full hour before you come across the finish line. Sometimes ending last is the best reward.




Libra Symbol


Water parks and sprinklers might be months away dear Libra, but it's never a bad time to think about the wet stuff in your bedroom. Even if you think you 'don't need lube', it is always a good thing to have around as your body's natural lubrication can change from day-to-day. Depending on what under-the-cover activities you're doing you might need some extra wetness. There are thousands of different brands of lube, but they all break down into 4 major types: water-based, silicone-based, hybrid, and oil-based. They all have pros and cons, and depending on your plans, the type of lubricant you need may change. Be prepared for whatever the stars toss your way, or you might end up in a dry spell.












Scorpio Symbol

Sometimes overthinking might be part of the problem dear Scorpio, and Saturn in retrograde in your sign is not going to make things any easier for you. If your worries about bedroom performance stay on your mind, even as you’re getting down to the act, our thoughts may become a self-fulfilling prophecy of disappointment. Keep your mind away from what you think is your issues and focus on the good things.



It might not be sandal weather, but when was the last time you let your toes out and had some fun? You don't have to be a foot enthusiast to enjoy the feeling of getting your feet rubbed- even a pedicure could help relax you and take your mental focus away from you other stresses. If you are one of the lucky ones that enjoy having your feet stimulated, take some time this month to indulge your foot love. Buy yourself some nice socks, a fancy pair of shoes, and pamper your paws!




Capricorn Symbol

Mars might have you feeling like you want to be shut in the house this month, but you still have needs. What’s a lonely stargazer going to do, if they can't go out and find a partner to fulfill their desires? Well, my wanting Capricorn, you don’t have to break the bank on a sex machine. The Fun Factory Stronic toys are handheld thrusting devices, perfectly designed to dive into you most sensitive spots. Have no fear, now you can have all the sensations of being penetrated without the need of a partner.




Is work stressing you out? What about the bills? Can't forget about our relationship (or lack of). Don’t let your emotions bottle up and overflow, to negatively affect your life. Take some time to do whatever helps you unwind. Read a good book, play a video game, spend some time outdoors, or masturbate 'till your legs go numb and you forget what month it is. Every orgasm releases a chemical cocktail full of pleasure, take some time to yourself without the cellphone, away from the TV, and just experience nothing but pleasure.



It's a good month to be a fish, with Jupiter giving you levity in the first half of this month, you should have no problems finding someone to 'dive' in with. If you're single, now is the time to leave your cozy shallows and head out into the deep ocean to find a new swimming partner. Already have a mate? What about looking for some other exotic fish to join in your school? Almost all dating apps can be used by couples to find another fish in the sea, or check out your local swingers club to see what the well seasoned swimmers are up to.



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