Dirty Horoscopes - February 2018

Dirty Horoscopes - February 2018

Want to know what the stars have in store for you (in bed)? Little Shop of Pleasure's team of psychics divine the cosmos (or, you know, whatever) and let you know what the universe has to say about your sex life in our monthly Dirty Horoscopes.



Love is in the air this month, Aries, and between the decorations, ads, and special Valentine’s Day episodes playing on every channel, it’s hard to escape pressure to have (or find) love. Well, f*uck that- you need to get some self-loving in this month! Lock the door, turn up the music, kick out the pets/kids/roommates, and get in touch with yourself. Do things you love even if others might not like it, watch the ‘alternative’ porn you’re afraid to show anyone, dust off that odd toy in your collection, and make sweet, sweet love to yourself! You should have no shame in what you do with yourself, long as it’s safe, sane, and legal, so tell cupid to buzz off and get your buzz on.



Cosmic forces are causing tumult in your life this lunar cycle, and while you may feel powerless to the whims of the universe as to whether fornication is in your future this valentines day, remind yourself that you have more control than you think. An optimistic perspective and a positive attitude can make a world of difference, in the amount of sexual relations you have. So take a deep breath, envision the amount of sex you want this February, and go for it! And if all else fails, take matters into your own hands.



Warmer weather is still months away and it feels like your sex life has gone into hibernation, Gemini. February is the perfect time to get a jump start on spring and melt away the winter blues (in the bedroom, at least). Grab yourself a heated blanket to play under, give your toy a warm bath before you get hot and heavy, spice up your playtime with some warming lube, and get things sizzling! Ignore the fact that you might have to dig your car out of the snow in the morning and burn up the night with your passion.



This month is full of chocolate and sweets but what if you’re the type of Cancer that prefers a more musky flavor? With Saturn wafting around your sign for most of this month your tongue will be tempting for something a little more natural. Talk to your partner and find a way to ravish your love while you ravish in their scent. Spend some extra time between their legs- they’ll be happy, you’ll be happy, and (most importantly), the planets will be happy.


Leo Symbol

You’re an open book, Leo, and if you’re lucky, that ability to be emotionally vulnerable translates to the confidence to be vulnerable in bed. The alignment of planets in your house this month will heighten your emotions, which is the perfect opportunity to play around… Would it make it that much hotter if you had no choice but to be exposed to the eyes of your lover? Spreader bars and links can be used for much more than penetrative sex, they are tools that can be used to make you feel more unprotected in a safe space. Want to show off even more? Try a humbler or an oral enhancer to show off your deepest secrets.


Virgo Symbol

Mighty Mars will be pumping your power levels to over 9000 this month, and you might feel like a super horny hunk, or a hedonistic heroine. Even if you don’t have a love for spandex, it might just be the playful push you need to let your inner hero out. By day you’re Jim from Accounting, but lace up your luchador mask and who knows who you could be! Creating an erotic persona can be lots of fun and sometimes a way to let your inner kinks out, Sally from Human Resources would be way too afraid to spank someone, but her character Stripperella wields a paddle that makes any sexy villain fall to their knees.


Libra Symbol

Are you feeling the need for speed this month? Hasty Venus will be making the shortest trip possible though your sign, and you will feel the effects in the bedroom. Although going fast has a bad reputation, why not take this temporary trip and use it to your advantage? Who says that climaxing has to be the end of the race? You should see if you can turn your 100m dash into an all-day marathon. Remember to stay hydrated and let your passion run wild in 5th gear!


Scorpio Symbol

Our moon is often said to inspire creative greatness, and you will be basking in this energy in the last few weeks of this month. Why not see if you can use that to inspire a love making playlist? Start with the classics like Barry White, and see where your mind takes you. How about a sexy strip tease to ‘Pony’ by Ginuwine, or go old school and take it all off to ‘Very Superstitious’ by Stevie Wonder. Do you need a more direct approach? Try ‘My Neck, My Back’ by Millennium. Sometimes you want music louder than yourself, something with a lot of bass that will get the room shaking just as much as your bed, try Mad Max: Fury Road - Brothers in Arms.



Despite the cold weather and snow we still have the odd warm day coming up in February. You might have to make a quick choice next time the day is warm and the weather is right to get outside and enjoy the outdoors. Might as well heat things up a little more when you're out there by bringing your partner and act like you are teens sneaking off for the first time! Try to rekindle that love by going on a ‘first date’. Be shy when you hold her hand, ask before you can kiss him, hold onto a hug a little too long. Think of some good ‘first date’ questions and ask them- you might be surprised what your partner comes up with in the heat of the moment.


Capricorn Symbol

Take a deep breath… let the air in… and out… This month is a bit of a cosmic mess for you; between the super moon eclipse at the start of the month and Saturn way overstaying its welcome in your sign, you’re going to be getting a lot of star static. Remember to stay focused and on track- changing up your sex routine might not be the best right now. Stick to the classics and focus on appreciating the simpler things before trying out some new hi-tech toys or yoga-like positions.



Spring seems to have come to Calgary a little early this year, and Mother Nature is so excited she wet her plants! Everything is getting pretty wet and sloppy this time of year, and with Neptune making a trip twice through your sign this month you might be feeling a little drippy yourself. Don’t feel bad about your body's natural excretions; too many people are concerned about how wet they are, or conversely how dry they are. Embrace the mess and use it to your advantage, think of all the money you will save on lube, give your partner more than a mouthful, use it as a signal to tell your lover exactly what is tuning you on, or keep your wetness hidden and get a little thrill knowing that both you and your coffee are dripping.


Feeling a little tired this month? With the weather changing and two full moons you might feel the cosmic pressure running your tanks empty. Make sure you take time to yourself and recharge your batteries, and while you’re at it, re-evaluate what makes your sexual mind tick. Things that you like now are different than what you might have liked years ago, and your body is always changing. Explore yourself, and as a added bonus, use a mirror to see your body reactions to different sensations, pinch your nipples, spank your rump, explore that part of your body that's ‘exit only’ for so many people. You might find out some fun things about yourself.



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