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Dirty Horoscopes - December 2018

Dirty Horoscopes - December 2018

Want to know what the stars have in store for you (in bed)? Little Shop of Pleasure's team of psychics divine the cosmos (or, you know, whatever) and let you know what the universe has to say about your sex life in our monthly Dirty Horoscopes.




Venus will be pulling your strings this month so why not chase after them and see what knotty fun you can get into. Sometimes getting tied down isn't as bad as it sounds, or you might be looking for someone you can lasso. Be creative with your hitching, and take things out of the bedroom to see what you or your partner looks like tethered to the table.




Do you have an itch you just can't scratch dear Taurus? Why not look around your home for some creative ideas on how to stop that pesky itch. A literal back scratcher can be a blast in the bedroom, and just think of the naughty things you can get up to with a shoe horn! Once you get your creative juices flowing, other fluids are sure to follow suit.




The holiday season is just around the corner, and that means lots of parties and dressing up… for other people. But don't stress, dear Gemini- make sure you take some time to dress up for yourself! You might not be able to wear that slinky slip to the company social, but what about around the house? Even something as mundane as house cleaning can be a little more fun if you're wearing your formal evening thong. Remember: you only need to impress one person when you dress, and that's yourself.




Mercury is the hottest planet in our system, and it's giving you a sign to turn up the heat in your life! And I'm not just talking about the thermostat, I'm talking about adding hot items to your sexy times. Grab a massage candle and drip all the warm and silky wax over your partner. Take your favourite glass or steel toy and give it a hot bath to take the toasty feeling of a warm blanket inside of you!  A steamy shower, a toasty toy, and a good massage will always get the mercury rising.




Leo Symbol
This will be a busy month for you dear Leo, so make sure you stop and touch the roses… wait, I mean smell yourself? You might be a little scrambled with the holiday season quickly coming, but that doesn't mean you should feel rushed. Take some time to de-stress the way the planets intended- by masturbating 'till all your problems melt away. Or you pass out, whichever cums first! Even if you're pulled in a million directions, try make sure you're do doing at least some of that pulling.




Virgo Symbol

With the holiday season coming fast and your pocketbook feeling the brunt of the yuletide-al wave, you might be wondering how you can give your partner something that they'll love without breaking the bank. Just remember, there is always the gift of your time! Not all gifts have to be expensive. Heck, going down on someone costs nothing, and doing that one kinky thing that you're kinda into but gets them running red hot might be the best gift you can give.




Libra Symbol

Do you have a little extra pep in your step? Is there a swagger in your stagger? You might have Mercury to blame for that. This lively planet will have you tapping your toes all month long. Don't fight it, dear Libra, use that new dancing drive to add some extra spicy salsa to the bedroom. Making love to the sounds of a swinging beat adds more magic to your midnight mambos. Turn up the tunes and tango with your partner to some pulsing punk or dynamite disco. Solo Libras can still add some hip-hop to their hand jive or double down with some dubstep and try to keep up to the beat.












Scorpio Symbol

It might be getting too cold for you to go on wild, outside adventure, but what about enjoying the great indoors with a little more freedom than you're used to? Kick out the kids/roommates/pets for a evening, and spend some time nice and casual. It's amazing how much more fun watching TV can be in the buff, and the ease of access might just lead to some sudden sexy times. This can be a great way to explore yourself solo or with a partner!



The best type of bondage can often be the kind without any rope or leather. This is a great sexy game to play solo or with others; instead of tying up your partner or getting yourself all knotty, just tell your willing victim they can't move their hands. Place their hands someplace sexy, like their own chest or above their head to leave them exposed, and THEN start to tease them. Only stop when you're done, or they are naughty and move their hands. Make sure to play by the rules and stop doing what you're doing (if only for a few seconds) if they misbehave, and go back to it when they are calmed down and ready for another round of teasing.





Capricorn Symbol

Venus will be visiting you for the last half of the month, and with all the winter celebrations going on you might need it's calming vibes in your life. You can help this along with a little roleplay in the bedroom. Getting into the right "headspace" can help wash away the day's stress. Think about it- a good kitten boi doesn’t need to worry about taxes. The harsh teacher has no time for laundry, only the bratty student in front of them. The only stress a rope bunny has is how best to bend for their rigger. There is no need to worry about work when you're pouring wax on a wonderful and  willing woman. For both tops and bottoms this can be a simple and sexy way to relax for a few hours.




With all the old school TV specials and nostalgic music playing, you might feel the need to relax and act a little younger. This doesn't have to cross into age play, but doesn't the idea of sitting around watching some of our your favourite movies in your pj's sound good right about now? Lots of people find a hidden thrill of doing naughty things with something they used to love as a kid/teen. Depending on your age range, maybe making love while a Disney movie is playing, or maybe there is some hidden thrill to self pleasure with Six White Boomers on the radio? Make some new memories with your nostalgia and have a giggle and wink with your partner next time you hear frosty the snowman singing about his big, thick carrot and magic hat.



Do you have a naughty and nice list? They're not just for jolly men with big bellies and white beards! Writing your wants down can help you define them. And the planet of passion is visiting you early this month, so take some time and give your desires shape. It's easy to daydream about getting bent over something but add some details to that dream. Pick a place, a toy, a time that you and your partner can work with to make your dreams a reality.



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