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Dirty Horoscopes - April 2019

Dirty Horoscopes - April 2019

Want to know what the stars have in store for you (in bed)? Little Shop of Pleasure's team of psychics divine the cosmos (or, you know, whatever) and let you know what the universe has to say about your sex life in our monthly Dirty Horoscopes.




Saturn will have your attention jumping from one pleasure to the next this month, Aries. If you're the kind of ram that has a few partners  you might need to do some travelling this month to keep your wandering mind busy. If not, have no fear, my impulsive reader- just keep things fresh by changing up your bedroom routine. There are lots of simple ways to mix up your sexy style with or without a partner, from adding a pillow for a new angle to a fancy sensation lube!




For Taurus this month it will all be about the chase and the thrill of the hunt. You will be on your A game when it comes to flirting. Even if it ends in nothing more than a friendly smile from that cute guy on the bus or a wink and a blush from the cashier at your grocery store, your skills of seduction will be in tip top shape. If you're a lucky bull with a mate then it's time to double down on your cat and mouse game, remind them why they are your favorite prey or what made them such a great hunter! Single Bulls need to remember that the goal isn't always catching your target, practice can be fun as well.




Lady luck might not be paying full attention to you this month, dear Gemini. Don't expect anything horrible to happen, but when you manage to step on the one wet spot on your floor, or drop your keys in the only puddle in the parking lot just remember to laugh it off. Little mistakes and accidents take place all the time in life, and you just have to chuckle and keep rolling with it. This applies in the bedroom as well. We have all rolled the wrong way, put our hands in someone's hair, or got our words mixed up and said something silly in the heat of the moment. Just keep your eyes open, remember to laugh it off, and keep being awesome.




Even if you're naturally the one to receive things in the bedroom, this month Mercury will have you in a very giving mood. Believe it or not, there are lots of people out there that like to please others not entirely for their partner's pleasures, but their own. If you're a seasoned veteran of giving pleasure, or if you're new to being the one down on your knees take a moment to reflect on how it makes you feel. Every moan, twitch, throb, and squeeze is because of YOU! This is your month to learn how amazing it can make you feel when you're giving to someone else.




Leo Symbol
Cancer's horoscope was all about giving this month but don't think we forgot about you, Leo, because both of you are from different sides of the same cosmic coin. This month you need to remind your partner just how much fun you're having. Even in the day-to-day things take the time to say thank you. A sincere smile and warm word can go a long way in making someone's day when they do something for you. When it's sexy time make sure your partner knows you're having the time of your life, and if you're not help them to help you! Don't be afraid to be a little louder, pull hair a little tighter, or squeeze a little harder next time someone is making you moan.




Virgo Symbol

Big mean Mars is going to have you feeling two different extremes. The gas tank for your lust machine could be overflowing and your hunger for sexy encounters might be insatiable. OR the tank might be running on empty, and that's fine too from time to time. The trick this month will be trying to keep things balanced with yourself and/or your partner. If you find yourself doing laps around the other racers in the bedroom that's fine- do a few runs around the track without them and invite them to watch. Who knows, they might learn a trick or two. If you find that getting off the starting line is a little harder than normal, no worries! Do what you can to give your partner the best track time you can and don't worry if you just have to sit back and enjoy watching a solo race. Remember to take notes- you might just find a shortcut for the next time you're out on the track.




Libra Symbol

You will have Mars to thank for the heavy drive to beat your personal bests this month. The need to set a new high score in the bedroom might lead you to long hard 'gaming' sessions. Just remember to drink lots of fluids, keep some snacks on hand, and if your legs start to go numb, stand up and get the blood flowing before you go back to the task at hand... or hands.












Scorpio Symbol

Saturn will have you feeling very particular this month. Maybe the things on your desk need to be in just the right place, or your dinner might not taste right unless you have just the perfect amount of dressing. Knowing exactly what you want and how to get in can be a great asset in and out of the bedroom. Look for toys or positions that give you pinpoint control on your pleasure. An inch too high or spank too soft is not going to cut it for you, and that's fine, take your time and scratch that itch exactly how you want it scratched. If you have a partner, tell them slow, detailed, and simple instructions on how to make you feel your best!




To others this might sound impossible but with Neptune pushing hard on you this month you might face the unthinkable... boring masturbation! Have no fear, dear Sagittarius, because our resident stargazer has some great ideas on how to add some extra spicy steps in your single hand dance. Did you know that most porn sites have a random option? Heck, the most popular ones have filters that you can customize your sexy video dice rolls. Who knows, you might stumble into new kink territory. Or  take a chance and walk into your local adult store with a colour and budget in mind. The first thing that catches your eye and fits your parameters comes home with you! You might have just find your new best (plastic) friend, a lube you won't know how you lived without, or at least have a fun story to tell your friends.




Capricorn Symbol

Hope you packed a bag lunch, Capricorn because this is going to take some time. Uranus will be gifting you with the stamina and drive to go for the long hall. If your normal sexy time is a light jog up a hill, this month you're going to need some climbing equipment and lots of water- because if things go well there will be bunch of panting and sweating going on. Remember that the first orgasm is only a plateau on your journey to the top of this marathon sex mountain. Keep the climb going with heavy petting, porn, making out, or other foreplay till you're ready to scramble up to the next level. Don't get fatigued by just one position, keep things sliding with lots of lube, and communication is key! End things off when you're both breathing hard and reaching for a oxygen mask.




It's time to be decisive, Aquarius. You've been bouncing between a few different ideas the last few days, but Mercury should give you that final push over the edge. If the idea of getting spanked has always been in your head, then yell it out to your partner, or, if you need a more direct approach, go buy a paddle and give them a hint they can't mistake. It doesn't matter what you look like, if you have had the idea of pink frilly panties plaguing your thoughts, just buy them! Don't worry about what you have seen in porn or movies, do what you want to do with your body!



When was the last time you felt truly sore after a good long love session? Do you remember the last time you and your partner humped till your back felt sore and your legs were about to give out? For some of us that might be last week, but for others you might want to mix things up if you're getting too comfortable in your current routine. If you're a solo fish, try to spice things up by changing how you get yourself off. Do it in a new position, a new room, or try one of the safe, legal places in the city to masturbate outside of your house. The key this month will be stretching your limits and seeing if you can find some new muscles to work out.



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