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Dirty Horoscopes - August 2017

Dirty Horoscopes - August 2017

Want to know what the stars have in store for you (in bed)? Little Shop of Pleasure's team of psychics divine the cosmos (or, you know, whatever) and let you know what the universe has to say about your sex life in our monthly Dirty Horoscopes.



It may have been rainy the past few weeks, but don't let that get you down, Aries. The sun will be shining extra bright on you this month- so make sure you are ready to catch a tan. Getting outside, being active, and enjoying the summer can be a great way to meet new people. Not a sporty ram? Then hit a festival! There are lots of cool events going on in Calgary and around the province this month. The stars can't shine on you if you're hiding in the dark- so go outside and catch some star power! Once you're fully charged keep an eye out for someone who can help you burn off all that extra energy.



Click, click, click, click - is the incessant sound of typing making you want to scream? Taking a tech vacation is a growing trend, and I’m sure you're not the only bull that could use a break. Tell your friends, family, and especially your employer that you won't be turning on your phone or computer for the weekend, and take some time for self loving. It might be high time to get in 'touch' with your body and do some exploration, change up your masturbation technique, or ask your partner for some low-tech manual stimulation. When was the last time you did some backdoor loving?



The birds are chirping, the bees are buzzing, the deer are… deering, and with Venus making a very long trip through your sign this month, you're going to be feeling the call of nature too. Your sex drive will be turned up to 11 this month, Gemini, and trying to keep your body and mind in check might be difficult. You might need to talk to your partner about filling up your sexy schedule, or make some more time in your personal life for ‘me’ time. Don't let the need to breed distract you from your life outside of the bedroom. Maybe you just need a midday release! Take a long lunch and head home for some afternoon loving. This will help you keep head in the game for the rest of the afternoon.



Temperatures are up this month, Cancer, and one of the best ways to beat the heat is to be naked! Shedding your clothes can help cool down, and spending more time naked has been shown to improve body image over time. You shouldn’t have to worry about that skin tag, the stretch marks on your butt, or whether you have body hair (or not)! Now is the time to appreciate whatever makes you feel sexy about your body and getting naked is a great way to do it.


Leo Symbol

How’s your bedroom game? If there was a sports zone highlight reel for sex would you be in the ‘Hits of the Month’ or ‘Spills of the Week’? Accidents can happen anywhere, and how you handle the embarrassing and sometimes humorous bedroom mistakes can make or break the mood. It’s the best just to laugh it off in the moment, but remember to take time after and review the tapes if you don’t want it to happen again. Or maybe you do, but you want it to happen bigger and better! Bedroom safety is more than just birth control and STI prevention, make sure your playing field is free from debris, get the mascots [pets] out of the playing field, and keep your equipment in peak playing performance with routine maintenance.


Virgo Symbol

The big blue wet planet Neptune will be spending a lot of time around your sign this month, and you might feel the need to go for a dip in the local pool, float down the river on a lazy day, or turn on the sprinkler and just let the sunshine wash over you. Even if you just buy a kiddie pool for your front yard you're going to be showing some skin- and with the blue planet washing your horoscope with all sorts of positive vibes don’t worry about judgement- the stars think you and your beach bod are amazing.



Dear Libra, this might be the month to keep your head down and keep yourself off of others' radars. The sun is hyper active with flare ups this month, so any static you spit out yourself might be intensified. What you think is a quick quip, a simple comment about someone's dress, or even telling someone that their shirt tag is showing might be taken completely the wrong way. Re-read your emails, make sure you're 100% sure about your use of emoji’s, and double check your texts before you send the wrong message.


Scorpio Symbol

Lights! Camera! Action! Venus is in retrograde, making you feel much more expressive, and the need to show off will be hitting you hard. There are lots of great places to show off your personal pelvic sorcery skills, from different amateur porn sites to Sub-Reddits, or, if you want to do some live performances, your local swingers club! There is ZERO pressure to exchange partners (or do anything you don't want to do) at these clubs, many members just want to enjoy the company of other sexy adults in a safe, fun setting. We suggest Club Rendezvous ('cause we love them), but any of the clubs here in town are more than happy to host couples in open or closed relationships.



Fun fact: smells are the sense most closely related to memories, and with Mars, the planet of passion, putting pressure on your senses, take the time to smell the roses or the lovely aroma of your partner. Not all body odours are bad- some people love the musky smell of hard work and sweat, every vagina has its own unique smell and there is nothing bad about that, and every ejaculation has its own unique bouquet. Close your eyes next time you're intimate and take a good long sniff- you might be surprised at just how much you're missing.


Capricorn Symbol

Words can have a great effect on people, and with both Venus and Mars passing your sign immediately, one after the other, creativity will be oozing out of you- find a productive way to use this new-found inspiration. Writing a naughty love note could be a fun way to show your love/lust, or going online and finding some one else with the same penchant for erotica might be a fun way to get a sexy role-play going.



Bigger is not always better, and sometimes our eyes can be bigger than what our body can actually handle. Shopping when hungry can lead to more than required. Don’t be too impulsive, dear fishes. This month take an extra moment to re-think your plans to go back for second helpings. Do you truly need that extra shot of espresso in your morning coffee? And what about your bedroom toys? There is a big difference between a toy with 2" of girth and a toy with 3" of girth, so don't let your eyes write checks your orifices can't sign. But if you do get a little more then you are used to, try a little more lube!


Bold Mars may be making you feel impulsive this month, and eager to get on the wrong side of the law, but resist the need to commit a real crime- maybe ask your partner to give you the punishment you crave? Power and control can be both sexy and scary at the same time, and many uniforms display the perfect mix of both and can be used in the safety of your own home. No need to bother the local law enforcement- and remember, it's not just limited to sexy police officers and overly fiery firemen- take a good look at the next mountie you see walking down the street. Do the big leather boots and riding crop do anything for you? Might be time to swing by the local costume shop.



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