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Dirty Horoscopes - July 2019

Dirty Horoscopes - July 2019

Want to know what the stars have in store for you (in bed)? Little Shop of Pleasure's team of psychics divine the cosmos (or, you know, whatever) and let you know what the universe has to say about your sex life in our monthly Dirty Horoscopes.




The busy summer months are here and you might find yourself a little scattered. Your creativity might be drained, and you might be falling into a routine in the bedroom. Your sexy times might be rare this month, so having a plan is just what you need. You don't have to write it down (but that might help).




It's stud season out there dear Taurus. There will be lots of ponies on display this month and you might be interested in adding a little equestrian fun to your bedroom. It could be as simple as a novelty riding crop or as intense and getting out the buggy and a human pony to pull you around the backyard. How do you like the look of harnesses? How about the sound of someone clip clopping around in heels? Be creative this month and let your wild stallion run free.




"She could feel his kiss send an electric shock down her back that ran all the way down between her legs." Erotic writing can be a great way to explore things you might not have the opportunity to in your day-to-day life, and Gemini you might need that outlet this month. One great idea is to write a story/ERP from the other side of the coin.  Are you a warm, loving person? Write about the cold calculated "bad boy/girl". Do you normally run the show in the bedroom? Try writing about being the submissive and try to experience things from their point of view.




The sun will be shining on you dear Cancer, so expect a few compliments to come your way and make sure you're willing to take them. You might find yourself looking for a hidden meaning behind someone flattering you... stop it. Sometimes when someone says your glasses look good, that's it, you just have sweet glasses. Don't forget to compliment and receive that praise from yourself, your body/mind/soul is amazing, and don't forget it.




Leo Symbol

There is something primal about how we crave the way humans look. It could be the soft full lips, the veins and ridges, the way things feel around our fingers. It doesn't matter exactly what body type you're looking for sometimes we just need that certain look for it to feel just right. Toys have come a long way in simulating the look and feel of humans. This might be the month to put away your slender solid plastic vibe and step up to something a little more realistic.




Virgo Symbol

Flex your legs... were you in control of that? Now imagine if there was a way to let someone else be in control of your body, even in a limited sense. What if you had that control over someone? Does the idea of making someone twist and squirm at your whim sound exciting? Neptune has often been associated with electrical storms and this month with some practice it will be lending you some of that amazing power. TENS units are devices that let you send small electrical currents through yours or someone else's body to make muscles contract. Imagine making someone squeeze around you, or thrust up inside of you? Making them your toy or offering yourself up for full control could be in your future.




Libra Symbol

Whether you're a fan of the Stampede or not, July is always going to be denim season here in our city. It's one of the most versatile looks out there, from construction workers to high end business folks everyone will be in jeans for a few weeks. Why not make it work for you? A dirty, stained, cut-up pair of faded jeans might say "I work hard and I play hard" or a tight well fitted pair can help show off your assets. Boot cut, acid washed denim didn't die in the 70's and still says "I like to party", and Daisy Duke's will never go out of style.











Scorpio Symbol

Have you ever spotted the rare and magical unicorn or manticore out in the wild? You might have run into one the other day and never knew. If you don't know what these mystical animals and sexy horoscopes have in common, don't worry Scorpio- I am talking about the lovely single people out there that enjoy being the third addition to a couple's sexy times. Single ladies that like to be the extra player with a couple are commonly called Unicorns in the swinging community and manticore are the male equivalent. Does the idea of adding another to your bedroom sound exciting? Or what about being that little extra between two lovers? There are lots of opportunities to be had out there dear Scorpio if you know where to go hunting.




The live music scene is alive and well in our city, and you might just hear some walking down the street downtown. The beat might be in you but how often do you let it out? Don't worry about how you look this month, Mars will have you feeling powerful and your dancing skills will be on point! Shake what you got and shimmy whatever is left, dancing is a great way to get the blood flowing and is an often forgotten form of foreplay. Even if you let your hips do the talking by yourself the swing and spin of a good dance can make the days problems melt away.




Capricorn Symbol

We talk a lot about pleasure and enjoying yourself here but what if I told you not to? What if I told you that holding off might be even better then getting off. The act of chastity is not for the faint of heart, but for many people it can kick start your lust. You might not think about getting off that often… until you can't. Nothing gets you thinking about how horny you are like not being allowed to do anything about it.




This month size might matter. Jupiter is in your sign almost all month, and our system's biggest planet will have you wanting to step things up in the bedroom. Take things nice and slow, but don't be afraid to move up a weight and size class when you think you are ready. If you want to involve a partner there are lots of options for adding a little extra to what the stars gave you! Lube will be your friend this month, dear Aquarius, so don't forget to stock up!



Sometimes the buildup to a big event is just as much fun as the actual explosive finale. Feeling the anticipation pool up inside of you, knowing what's going to come later but not being able to act on it now, that nervous energy before the big moment, squirming in your seat a few hours before work's over, every red light on the way home takes just a little longer to change. By the time you throw open your front door your body is a quivering mess, even the few short steps to the bedroom seem to take too long. Better make sure you've got fresh batteries, because your going to be a busy Pisces for the next few hours.



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