Dirty Horoscopes - May 2018

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Dirty Horoscopes - May 2018

Want to know what the stars have in store for you (in bed)? Little Shop of Pleasure's team of psychics divine the cosmos (or, you know, whatever) and let you know what the universe has to say about your sex life in our monthly Dirty Horoscopes.

 

 

Aries

With Venus making a prolonged stop in your sign this month you might feel a little wishy-washy, and need something secure to stabilize yourself with. Never fear, because getting a nice hard grip on something comes easy, if its inside of you! With improvements on glass blowing techniques and metallurgy, solid glass and steel toys have never been more affordable. Having something firm to squeeze around might be just what you need.

 

 

Taurus

Your usual seduction method (which mostly consists of smouldering looks and just sitting around being irresistible while they come to you) is being smothered by solar disruptions this month, Taurus, so if you were hoping to get a hot date or be swept off your feet by a special someone in the next few weeks you may have to change your MO. Actually approaching them is a good start.

 

 

Gemini

This month you will benefit from a spring cleaning- both mentally and physically. Get in the headspace with a cleansing bath or shower! A bath for two could breathe some fresh spring air into your relationship too- something as simple as washing your partner's back or shampooing their hair can help you feel more connected than ever. Just be careful you don't get too excited, or you might need to wash up all over again.

 

 

Cancer

Sometimes size does matter when you’re talking about the size of your lube bottle. Are you a gallon a week type, or travel-sized bottle every other month? The type and amount of lubricant needed varies from person-to-person and from day-to-day. But whatever your lube preferences, always make sure you are ready with the wet stuff, to keep you and your partner slick and ready to make a splash. If your planning on playing in places that don't have natural lubricant, make sure to add a few extra drops.

 

 

Leo

Leo Symbol

The drab snow has finally gone away, and Mother Nature is showing off all her colours in a flower-fuelled fiesta. She doesn't have to be the only one showing off, dear Leo- you should find something bright and eye-catching to show off your amazing beauty like the flowers do. Can’t make that neon pink tank top work at your work? What about some bright and flashy undies instead?

 

 

Virgo

Virgo Symbol

Spring cleaning is happening all around you, and even the stars are thinking it might be time to toss out the old and bring in the new. This could be a simple change like finally getting rid of that pair of old underwear you don't wear anymore, or maybe recycling that old toy that runs on as many batteries as a 90's boombox. Your wardrobe and your wrists will thank you.

 

 

Libra

Libra Symbol

Do you kick ass and take names at work? Are you the life of the party? Are you always in charge whether you want to be or not? How about you give some of that power away, even for just a short burst of time? Let someone else take control and responsibility of some or all of your life this month, Leo, and give yourself a well-deserved rest. Even if it's a small thing like how you wear hair, or what undies you have…..or don’t have on. The act of consensual power exchange can be a powerful mental exercise, and one that you could benefit from.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scorpio

Scorpio Symbol

In the first week of this month you will be graced with celestial energies that will make you feel bold and photogenic. Taking a hot nude selfie is just what you need to help boost your confidence, even if you never share it with anyone! Or, take a big step by cropping out your face and posting your foxy photo online! Reddit, Pornhub, and Xhamster are just a few places with sexy message boards, and they have sub groups for every type of interest. Doesn't matter if your a BBW, a petite boi, a PAWG, or a bear, there are lots of places to show off that hot bod!

Sagittarius

 

Often times sex can be a chore. You have to make sure you both have time, that the kids or roommates are out (or sleeping soundly), and once that all works out you'd better hope you’re both awake and in the mood. But this month Saturn will have you feeling much more compulsive! Give your lover a long passionate kiss instead of the quick peck on the way out of the house, or or touch them in a playful, sexy way when they are not expecting it. Heck, when was your last spur of the moment quickie in the living room/car/hallway/office? If you are a solo Sagittarius you can use this new spontaneity to mix up your self pleasure routine. Check out games like Faproullette for some random entainment.

 

 

Capricorn

Capricorn Symbol

Mercury is passing through your sign this month and that's gonna heat things up. Is the warmth of the spring already getting to you? Try to remember the 15 months of winter we just had. If that doesn't cool you off, try giving your favorite toy a run under some cool water or even ice them down! It doesn’t matter what you have between your legs- a well-chilled toy between them will help turn down cosmic heat.

 

 

Aquarius

Saturn is in retrograde during the last half of this month, and with that you're going to feel the need to worship your local god or goddess. I'm not talking about Mother Earth of someone high in the sky, I'm talking about the one reading this horoscope right now. That's right dear Aquarius, you’re a god/dess and you should treat yourself like it this month. Worship every curve you have, every muscle, every hair- every inch of skin should be praised and adulated. Get out there and treat your divine self!

Pisces

 
The sun is a million miles away but you’re gonna feel like it’s right next to you with all the power it’s giving you this month. You’re gonna walk into work next week looking to kick ass and chew bubblegum… and you’re all out of bubble gum. This is your month to get what you need! The biggest and most powerful star in our system is behind you in all your efforts, so take advantage. Don't take shit from anyone! Don’t be mean but be clear and concise about what you want. And remember, in and out of the bedroom, sometimes you need to be direct.

 

 

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