Dirty Horoscopes - April 2018

Dirty Horoscopes - April 2018

Want to know what the stars have in store for you (in bed)? Little Shop of Pleasure's team of psychics divine the cosmos (or, you know, whatever) and let you know what the universe has to say about your sex life in our monthly Dirty Horoscopes.

 

 

Aries

With Venus making a prolonged stop in your sign this month you might feel a little wishy-washy, and need something secure to stabilize yourself with. Never fear, because getting a nice hard grip on something comes easy, if its inside of you! With improvements on glass blowing techniques and metallurgy, solid glass and steel toys have never been more affordable. Having something firm to squeeze around might be just what you need.

 

 

Taurus

Its spring time, and that means that the bunnies are back! There are lots of cute costumes for the femmes out there, but what about the Jack rabbits? Finding sexy and masculine costumes might be difficult, but making a costume of your own can be fun and easy, if you know where to look for materials. Check out your local thrift shop, dollar store, or fabric store. Be creative, and think outside the box.

 

 

Gemini

The days are getting longer, the weather is getting warmer, the animals are starting to come out, and they have one thing in mind. The need to breed! Between spring time and Venus in retrograde in your sign you might be feeling the same ‘call of nature’ as the animals. If you have a partner with whom to act out your animal instincts then get in the position and recreate your favourite Discovery Channel documentary. Are you a solo critter this month? Have no fear, because you can get that same ‘well bred’ feeling with dildos that squirt! Warm up some appropriate lube, fill up the toy, and make it pop its top exactly when you want it to.

 

 

Cancer

Spring is in the air, and that means it’s time to spend some time outside with that green leafy stuff. Our resident stargazer says the best way to swing into spring is go get some grass stains on your knees! Fresh air and higher oxygen intake has proven effects on your overall health and sex drive. So go for a hike, or a bike ride, or play some Frisbee in the park before your next bedroom romp for a renewed, re-energised romp that really kicks off the new season.

 

 

Leo

Leo Symbol

This month you might feel the need to be a little closer to the night sky. A new pair of heels can give you that little lift you need- even a few inches can make a world of difference and change your perspective. No matter who you are, how you dress, or what your style is, everyone can benefit from the confidence gained from some killer pumps.

 

 

Virgo

Virgo Symbol

A problem with a partner (past, present, or prospective) has been weighing on you lately, and your melancholy musings are taking their toll on your overall state of mind. In the spirit of April Fools, rather than let it drag you down, try a re-frame that thought pattern into something funny. Laugh at the situation, laugh at yourself, and focus on the upside. Your love life, your mental health, and your cubicle-mate (who may quit if they have to listen to you sniffle along to Karma Police one more time) will thank you.

 

 

Libra

Libra Symbol

With Pluto (#stillaplanet) visiting your sign in its inverse rotation this month you might be feeling a little nostalgic- and what better way to celebrate the past than with period-themed role play! Maybe you're a medieval queen and she's your demure lady-in-waiting. Or perhaps playing the perfect 1950's era wife to your spouse could be a fun way to spend an evening (and drink martinis!). Or maybe you're lonely cowboys sharing dinner by the fireside on a moonlit night. Whatever your throwback scenario, be sure to jazz it up with some snazzy and sexy attire.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scorpio

Scorpio Symbol

The days are getting longer and the weather is getting warmer, and you know what that means in Calgary? Potholes! Never fear dear Scorpio, because you can put that bumpy commute to good use. Duotone-style Kegel exercisers work by causing the pelvic floor to squeeze every time the inner bead is jostled. Pop in your Luna Beads before hopping the car, and smile knowing that all that time spent driving 30km through spring construction is all part of your daily work out. Or just enjoy the long stints in traffic with a buzzing butt plug, ring, or bullet!

Sagittarius

 

Did you get lucky on St. Patrick's Day? If not you’re in for some good news, Jupiter is a very lucky planet, and will be spending most of month around your sign. Keep your eyes peeled, you never know what is around the next corner. Make sure you treat others with your fabulous luck and help them get lucky as well.

 

 

Capricorn

Capricorn Symbol

The planets this month may have you feeling a little lonely in the bedroom, but that’s okay. Alone time is just what you need. Get in touch with yourself, literally touch yourself, get out your favourite toy, get in your favourite position, and go to town.

 

 

Aquarius

The more you try to control things the less likely they are going to go your way. Take your time, patience is key. Remember that lubrication is your best friend, and that time is an investment. It will all pay off in the end.

Pisces

 
The approaching full moon is making you feel more confident in your choices and commitments. Now is a good time to be decisive about how to spend your time, and who to spend your time with. Use this power to connect with your dominant side in the bedroom, and take control.

 

 

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