This post is PART 3 in a guest blogger series following author Rachael's transition from an A.M.A.B (Assigned Male at Birth) individual to that of a self-identified trans woman.
If you are just discovering Queer as me, start the story from the beginning here.
The next few weeks were full of the daily struggles of life. Getting the kids ready for school, making sure that the dogs were taken out for their walks, helping around the house where I could. But the elephant in the room, the tension of my impending appointment to prove that I was right in believing that I was transgender was palpable.
My conversation with my wife was stilted and awkward, and my initial enthusiasm gave way to worry that I might be mistaken. But each night I would go online and enter a world that made so much more sense than what I was taught. I thought I’d burst soon if that day didn’t get here soon enough. Then it did…
I could barely sleep the night before, with so many questions that were in my head. This first visit would just be me. My wife decided that the doctor would tell me that I was wrong, and that would be that. Neither of us realizing that I had already started to change even then.
My certainty on who I truly was had become stronger in the few days leading up to my appointment. But the strength of my conviction soon deserted me, a few hours prior to meeting the doctor. I was worried that it might be one of the other possibilities. You see, during the previous weeks, my wife and I discussed different ideas that she found online on why I was feeling the way I did. My wife, one of the most wonderful human beings on this earth, approached this all with incredible intelligence. While I was learning more about myself, she was looking into such issues as male menopause, testosterone replacement, midlife crisis, and even multiple personalities.
We discussed all these at length, but sadly my legendary stubbornness kept pushing my own agenda, not realizing the consequences of my actions. That no matter what happened with my desire to transition, my relationship with my wife was changing. I was so fixated on this new direction my life seemed to be going, that I didn’t see that my actions were causing my wife to pull away from me. And she was stubborn too, which caused us to become tense in each other’s company.
It was with these thoughts running through my head that I pulled up to the doctor’s office.
Editor’s Note: To read Queer as me - Part 4: Knowledge and wonderment click here. Or click here to read the previous blog post Queer as me - Part 2: Through the rabbit hole. For the latest LSOP blog posts and so much more, make sure to add us on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram.