Dirty Horoscopes - May 2017

Dirty Horoscopes - May 2017

Want to know what the stars have in store for you (in bed)? Little Shop of Pleasure's team of psychics divine the cosmos (or, you know, whatever) and let you know what the universe has to say about your sex life in our monthly Dirty Horoscopes.



Your passion will run hard and fast this month, but you need to keep a tight grip on those reigns and not let it take control of your life. This applies double with your lover- take your time, take a deep breath, relax and don't let your heart run over your body. Still feeling stressed about your wild drive? Masturbate! Studies have proven that orgasms can help calm and relax people. As an added bonus, they can also help relieve cramping and clear your sinuses.



When was the last time you had some amazing food? The kind that makes you openly drool and want to stop everything you're doing and dive into it? Have you ever looked at a lover like that? You can taste your partner in more than a few different ways... giving oral is always a good start, but what about licking whipped cream off their chest? Or maybe drinking a shot of hard liquor off their body, or sharing some hard candy by passing it between your mouths? Take your tasty love's body and make it your sweet treat!



Oh! What’s that? See that? What about that shiny thing over there? Have you been feeling scattered all month? With three major planets passing across your sign this month, keeping your mind focused might be hard for you- and it might lead to having problems keeping your body focused in the bedroom. If you find yourself unable to keep still or keep in touch with what’s going on with your partner, try some sensory deprivation. Most people know about using a blindfold in the bedroom but what about earplugs? Not letting them hear you move around the bedroom add an extra thrill, and not letting them hear you moan/pant/whimper can be a fantastic tease. Also putting a nose plug on your partner and receiving oral from them (if you're a vulva-owner) completely changes the taste and sensations they experience.



The sun is shining brightly on you this month, Cancer, and is having a harmonious influence in your sign. People will want to be around your more because of how warm and glowing you are. This might mean some extra attention from your lovers, a warmer welcome from your family, or some co-works helping you out. But watch out, because the brightest star burns the fastest. Keep track how much energy you're spending on others, and don’t forget about yourself; self-loving is VERY important part of self-care.


Leo Symbol

Has work got you stressed out? University keeping you running in circles? Time to take a break from it all and spend some time ‘relaxing’ with lots of help from your partner. Venus is in retrograde during most of its passing, and that means that you're going to be extra receptive to other peoples' passion. But don’t let them smother you... maybe you should do the smothering. Grab your favourite tie, or a pair of old stockings and use them to bind your lover down and take advantage of your new position of power. Remember to keep things safe- but if they are willing, use their mouth to please yourself all you want. Don’t worry about their sexual pleasure for a little while and let yourself go wild on their face. Shut them up and shut out the world with nothing more than sexual bliss.


Virgo Symbol

Spring has sprung its time to show you some colour! Lots of new outfits are showing up in stores, and it might be time to change your wardrobe up. Bright colours can help distract from places on your body you want to hide or accent the places you want to show off. Neon colours are not restricted to just outfits, bright colour toys can spark things up or if you want to your adult play time in the dark check out some glow in the dark toys!



Passion and closeness are amazing things to have in your life, but sometimes you just need to give people some space. This doesn’t mean avoiding them, but rather actually making sure they have the time they need. Take the kids to the park, pay off the roommates to leave them alone, get them a spa day to relax, or just let them know its okay to spend some time ONLY to themselves. This act of selflessness will pay dividends later in the month when the moon is reflexing and you will need some alone time.


Scorpio Symbol

You thought the snow and ice were gone, but Neptune might be sending you a hidden desire to feel the cold embrace again. Temperature play is a very inexpensive and exciting way to add some heat to the bedroom. Go to the closet, grab a tea towel, and put an ice cube inside of it. The soft cloth with be a good warm up, but when the ice melts through you or your partner with be in for a surprising shock. Do you own solid, non-electrical toys? Let your favourite play thing have some time in the fridge before you play with it and you could enjoy a brand-new frozen experience.



Building a new house can take months while tearing it down takes a day. Your love life is the exact same, but longer to build and quicker to tear down. Check yourself next time you're going to get upset with your partner. Or, if you feel your partner is getting upset with you, take a deep breath and don't let your quick passions bring down the walls that you both spent so long to build. Remember to spend time working on the basis of your love- do the things that helped you build that foundation, the little things that started your love.


Capricorn Symbol

Keep your eyes peeled this month because you're going to have a target on your back- but with some awareness it's nothing to be worried about. Mercury will be visiting your sign from the first weekend of this month all the way until June, and that means everyone will be looking your way a little bit longer than usual. Single goats should get back on your favourite dating apps or hit up your favourite bars, because you might not feel it but you are dripping sexuality. Now is the time to get your hook in the water and start fishing, because you have some extra cosmic power to whatever bait you're bringing.



Is bigger better? Jupiter is making a huge impact with its rare retrograde in your sign around the tenth of this month. I'm not telling you to make a massive change to your lifestyle, but your sex game might gain a temporary boost from a little extra girth. A larger than life sex toy could just be the fantasy you need to improve your wild lifestyle. But what about length? Just remember- when a toy says "8 inches" that's a movie-size "8 inches". Guys, you can also add girth to what the stars have given you with extenders and sheath to feel like a cosmic porn star.


You're going to be driving in the express lane this month, so watch out for the curves that life tosses your way. Take advantage of the pit stops that the stars provide you, and learn how to change gears on the fly. Your partner's mind might change lanes too fast for your pit crew to keep things properly lubricated, but take it easy and be sure not to grind those gears when you hit the tunnels at high speeds. Make sure your equipment is fit for a quick jump off the line with say panties with an open crotch, or briefs that leave your rear end exposed.



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