Dirty Horoscopes - September 2018

Dirty Horoscopes - September 2018

Want to know what the stars have in store for you (in bed)? Little Shop of Pleasure's team of psychics divine the cosmos (or, you know, whatever) and let you know what the universe has to say about your sex life in our monthly Dirty Horoscopes.




With the stampede come and gone you still might be feeling a bit of equine love in your life. Fear not, dear Aries, because even if you can’t go done to the grounds and say hello to the animals anymore you can find plenty of people-ponies online. Human pony play is a rapidly growing kink and with almost a dozen different groups (or "stables" as they like to call them), here in Alberta alone finding that lovely mare or sexy stud is just a Google search away!




If "you are what you eat", then, dear Taurus, you must have been eating all the candy because this month you're so sweet people will get cavities just from being around you. Don't let all this extra kindness go to waste- share some of that joy. Do more than your share of the chores, or let your partner have a 'lazy' day in bed while you spread your sweetness all around them. Do extra and expect nothing back in return, and the stars will repay you in tenfold down the line.




Are you on the hunt for some loving, Gemini? If you are single or searching, this can be a fun and exciting time. For those of you that aren't, maybe it's time to put on your fancy mating display all over again for you lover. Flirt with them like you just started dating, show off a little, let them know that you still want to catch their attention and keep it! Doesn't matter if you have been together for a year or decades- give your partner a dazzling display of your best moves and strut your stuff!




Mercury is the planet often associated with thinkers, and because it's in your sign for a extended stay this month you might be overthinking your bedroom game. Try to keep it simple this month and maybe leave the bedroom gymnastics for when you're more focused on the task at hand. Keep it simple and dust off some of you classic moves- you might find some of your old favourites still get the job done.




Leo Symbol
Is climax the end of your personal loving making? Well, the stars have other plans for you this month, Leo. Try to keep the sexy times going next masturbation session, use that extra fluid as lube for the next go around and, heck, keep going to see if you can get three or for orgasms out of yourself before you pass out in bliss. Remember to keep hydrated and mix things up between your trusted fingers and toys.




Virgo Symbol

Yarr! Neptune is lingering in your sign almost the entire month, and for some people the big blue planet is often associated with sadness, calmness, and inward thinking. BUT NOT FOR YOU, VIRGO. With the planet in retrograde you’ll get to enjoy the fun side of the water planet. The rush of waves, the thrill of the unknown, the passion for exploration, you see where this is going? It's time to get out there and go look for some hidden booty! You will be channelling your inner pirate this month, with lots of swagger, extra bravado, and a lust for all things wet and shiny. Head out into the high seas (or downtown Calgary- same thing right?) and see what kind of treasure you can find among the waves.




Libra Symbol

We all have those few little things that stress us out- maybe someone at the office, missing out on a great sale, or maybe just getting into a car right as your favourite song is ending. Well, make sure you take a deep breath, dear Libra, because Venus is going to be making you feel extra sensitive. My advice to you is don't sweat the petty stuff, pet your sweaty stuff! Your body is wired to release a bunch of feel-good chemicals when you orgasm. So forget about that pain-in-the-ass printer, and pleasure those small-scale worries away!












Scorpio Symbol

Are you down for anything? Have you been there, tried it all, and got the t-shirt? This month you don't have much going on in the way of planetary interference, so it might be time to slow it down and get back to basics. Sex can be a fun an exciting time to try new things, but try to find the time this month to work on the old standards; brush up on your missionary and oral skills, because the last day of September and the first few weeks of October you're going to be in a star-influenced sex overdrive!



We all have something about our bodies we would like to change, but this month is not about thinking about the things we don't like. This month you're going to have to power of the sun and the full force of the stars behind you, so show off what you love about yourself! Rock that crop top that shows off your belly, or squeeze into them skinny jeans and let the world see your amazing calves. Don't give a single negative body thought any of your precious time, because you are too busy being fabulous.




Capricorn Symbol

Mars will be hanging around your sign at the tail-end of this month, which might have you feeling like getting a little tail yourself! That big red planet is often associated with canines, meaning you might want to let out your doggy side do a little doggy-style! The act of fucking someone from behind or getting filled from the back is a feeling unlike any other, but for many of us the concern of appearances can hamper our enjoyment. Well, have no fear star gazer: you can fulfill your inner animal needs by getting a tail plug that will add pleasure for you and your partner but also eliminate any worries you have about your bum! If you're not feeling quite that feral, a simple plug or a blinged out jewelled plug will also do the trick.




Do you think you're a all star in bed? Do you have the skills to make yourself or your partner go from zero to 60? How about you take your show on the road, literally? Go find yourself a quiet stretch of road and (safely) knock things up a gear. It could as simple as flashing your partner or even as involved as pulling over and taking your sexy ride all the way to the finish line. This might not the time to go for a marathon run, see if you can beat your own combined speed record!


Saturn's influence will be a large factor on you during the first few weeks of this month, causing your introverted side to press a little harder then normal. Don't take this as a sign that you can’t have any sexy fun- it might be the perfect time to find a saucy novel and catch up on some alone time. What you read this month could fill you with ideas, it might plant a erotic seed for the next time you're with a partner, and well-written romance novels often have the best dirty talk! Curl up with a good book this month and let the lewd side of your imagination go wild.



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