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Dirty Horoscopes - March 2019

Dirty Horoscopes - March 2019

Want to know what the stars have in store for you (in bed)? Little Shop of Pleasure's team of psychics divine the cosmos (or, you know, whatever) and let you know what the universe has to say about your sex life in our monthly Dirty Horoscopes.




Passions will be running high for you this month, and with Mars' pressure bearing down emotions will be coming hot and fast. Expect to switch things up this planet cycle to keep pace with your ever changing moods. This doesn't have to be a bad thing- use the highs and lows of the planet's pluses to your advantage. Redirect that mad energy into some fast and passionate love-making, and when you're feeling blue take a few moments for some self-care and solo time.




Picking up on social cues is always important, Taurus, but this month you will be channelling your inner Sherlock Holmes. You might not notice it normally but this month pay attention to how people interact with you. Is a potential partner blushing at your jokes? Is your annoying coworker trying to hide their intentions from you? Look to your lover and see what subliminal messages they're sending you- a nibbled lip, a swing of the hip, all good signs that you might want to get naked quick.




The biggest planet has the biggest pull, and with Jupiter gracing your sign for most of the month you will find yourself a magnet for all kinds of passions! Love, power, and all sorts of positive energy will be flowing your way. Make sure you take advantage of all this and set yourself up to be a emotional battery, charging yourself up with all the love you receive and storing it to use when you need it later. Spread that warm fuzzy feeling around by pampering your lover or just doing nice things for the people around you. The more time you spend around happiness, kindness, and love, the more you will have to give.




It's going to be another chilly month, and with that cold planet Pluto (#StillAPlanet) appearing for a brief visit in your sign you'll be feeling the chill. But why fight mother nature? A little ice can be nice in the bedroom. Give your lips a bit of a cool down before going down on your partner. The change of sensation from your cold skin and hot breath should send shivers down their spine.




Leo Symbol
A lucky day is coming this month, and it might be the right time to give fate a little push and see if you can get lucky in the bedroom. Pick up some sexy dice from your local adult store, or grab any two six sided dice and assign your own set of tasks, body parts, locations, etc. to each number. Or, for the more daring lions among you, grab some eight, twelve, or twenty-sided dice and see just how risky you want to be




Virgo Symbol

Mercury will have your libido in a spin for the next two weeks, and the thing that gets the job done every time may not be cutting it, Virgo. Shake things up by getting a bigger/faster/harder version of your old standard, or go back to basics and see what other less complicated options are available for your fave toy.




Libra Symbol

The air is cold and the sky is full of dark greys and whites this month, but don't you worry because in the bedroom powerful Venus should have you seeing the best and brightest. The long retrograde of the planet of passions and colour should make even the smallest change in your sexy wardrobe make you feel like a million bucks. Skip that tan bra and dig out that sparkly green thing you have hidden in the back of the closet. Do you have 20+ pairs of black socks and one with polka dots? Next time you need a little extra pep in your step show off that little big of colour and let the power of polka dots pulse throw you.













Scorpio Symbol

Neptune's influence on your sign this month will have your senses all out of whack (moss green isn't a good colour for your wall-to-wall carpeting, I promise you), and since all five senses are a very important part of how we enjoy sex, this could get a little weird. I recommend harnessing this weirdness and use it to your advantage. Try adding a warming lube to your oral game, or ice (bonus points if your partner's a Cancer)! Try different kinds of touch, or different fabrics, or a feather rather than a wooden paddle! Try making more noise, or listening to some different tunes! Whatever your favourite sensory pleasers are, a little switch could go a long way this month.



You know the four elements, Sagittarius: earth, air, fire, and water. This month the fifth, often forgotten element is on your side… the element of surprise! Surprise someone important to you with an act of kindness or a thoughtful gift. If you usually give your special someone a peck on the way out the door, surprise them with a showstopper that would win Best Kiss at the MTV Movie Awards!




Capricorn Symbol

I love the phrase "don't yuck someone's yum", and as the stars predict that you’ll be met with something unusual and surprising this month, it's one I want you to keep in mind. Just like it's not nice to tell someone that their lunch looks unappetizing, if a friend trusts you enough to talk about what they like in the bedroom, telling someone that their harmless quirks or kinks squick you out isn't nice- and it could really hurt their feelings. Be on the lookout this month for your chance to be supportive of someone's yum, and thank the universe for an educational opportunity!




This month will see your busy schedule slowing down, thankfully, but the steady momentum you've been maintaining could make the sudden change of pace seem a bit dull. This is the perfect chance to find fun ways to challenge yourself! Take up a new fitness regime, try some new recipes! And in the bedroom use that new free time to develop a new skill, like better orgasm control, rope tying, or massage!



You're not expressing yourself very clearly, right now, Pisces, and the reason may be that you haven't quite figured out what it is you are trying to say. Feeling like you aren't being heard can be especially hard in your closest relationships, so for their sake and yours, take some time for introspection, figure out what you really need, and express yourself clearly.



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