Dirty Horoscopes - December 2017

Dirty Horoscopes - December 2017

Want to know what the stars have in store for you (in bed)? Little Shop of Pleasure's team of psychics divine the cosmos (or, you know, whatever) and let you know what the universe has to say about your sex life in our monthly Dirty Horoscopes.

 

 

Aries

Aries

 

Are you on the naughty or the nice list? Even if you’re not getting coal for xmas (yet) there is still time to be a little extra naughty before someone stuffs your stockings. Just because Jack Frost is nipping at the air doesn’t mean you can’t show some extra skin around the house. Warm them up with something more than cocoa by wearing that lingerie around when your partner isn’t expecting it. Get them on your lap and learn what they really want for the holidays by making their cheeks rosy red. Wrap yourself in nothing but ribbon and offer yourself as a early present for a well behaved partner to unwrap.

 

Taurus

 

Taurus

It seems fitting in this season that venus would be visiting your sign this month. Your compassion for others will be powerful and the opportunities to express your love will come often. It could be a simple as offering to hang up someone's jacket or brush the snow off their car in the morning, but some of you passionate Tauruses might use this the month to show your language of love through acts of giving and not expecting to receive anything back. Use this month to see just how many times you can please your lover, how creative you can be with your body- you might learn a few things about yourself as well.

 

Gemini

 

Is one of your naughty xmas wishes totally fantastic? Is it something that can only happen in your imagination? Well, with the big dreamer Neptune heavenly influencing you this month, your fantasies might a bit more out there, but with new tech they might not be completely make-believe. With VR porn and advances being made everyday you can actually have that threesome with Miss Claus and Princess Leia. Maybe getting ravished by a well-hung fireman on the top of a burning skyscraper isn’t the most practical dream, or that recurring daydream of getting served by the last 4 James Bonds, but if you look hard I’m sure you can find a VR video to help you out.

 

Cancer

Cancer

 

With chestnuts roasting on the open fire, and all that talk about cuddling up with your loved one in front of a roaring hearth you might have flame on the mind- and with Mercury passing extra close to your sign this month the heat will be on. Fireplay is an exciting, stimulating, and very visual kink involving open flame, a willing partner, and LOTS of safety and prep work before you partake. If this seems a bit advanced for you, try starting off with wax play! Its simple, safer, and still lets you turn up the heat! Some new candles even glow under UV light to take your newfound play into the dark.

 

Leo

Leo

 

Winter is coming, and it’s time to bundle up with your loved ones and get ready to bear the frosty chill of old man winter… or get out your t-shirts and shorts because we live in Calgary and the weather can be temperamental. Don’t let the sun and its ever changing schedule mess with your mojo, take advantage of the sun while you can.

 

Virgo

Virgo

 

The sight of snow on the ground can fill some with cheer and some with dread but fear not, dear Virgo, because Neptune will be in retrograde in your sign this month, making you feel the cold in all the right ways. Temperature play can add a little extra thrill to the bedroom. Grab some snow from outside and bring it to the bedroom, OR for something a little less messy, take an ice cube and wrap a damp cloth around it.

 

Libra

Libra


Are you worried about the extra winter weight that you might be carrying around to keep out the bitter cold? Don’t worry, dear Libra- when the sun comes back out I'm sure you can find some time outdoors to help burn off those unwanted pounds. Until then, did you know that intense sex can burn up to 200 calories in 10 minutes? And according to SexCalculator.co, standing sex for an average person will burn 50 calories in under 5 minutes!

 

Scorpio

Scorpio

 

Are you worried about the sounds of passion coming from your bedroom? Does your lover share their passion with the rest of the apartment complex? Do you ever scare the family pets with the results of a great orgasm? A gag of some sort is the most apparent solution, but what about other ways of keeping your fun times audibly decent? A hand over the mouth can be sexual and sound stifling, but so can sticking your fingers between someone lips. Not to gag them [unless that’s what you both want], but just the fingertips for them to suck down onto in moments of passion.

Sagittarius

Sagittarius


Sharing experiences with others is proven to help you improve your knowledge about the topic your sharing. How is that sexy? Well, if you have fallen in love with a new sex toy or are crazy about this great position, do you tell others? You might not have the kinds of friends that you feel comfortable sharing this kind of info with, but with Neptune shining bright you might want to find some like minded people with which to share your new found favorites. Try online communities where you can review toys/positions/anything naughty with anonymity.

 

Capricorn

Capricorn

 

The holiday season can be pricey for some folks, and with Mars sticking around in your sign this month keeping control of your funds might be harder than usual. Luckily there are lots of ways to keep things freaky in the bedroom that won't bust your bank. Take a towel and roll it lengthways- now you have an improvised rope for some bondage. It’s a classic, but taking a necktie and using it as a blindfold still works. Take a look in your cutlery drawer for striking implements- a silicone spatula makes a great stinging smack!

 

Aquarius

Aquarius

 

For the single Aquarius this is your month to shine! With lustful Saturn making a long retrograde through your sign, your passions will be in overdrive. Get outside in this unseasonably warm weather and do whatever makes you happy. If feeding the birds puts a smile of your face, your happy disposition will draw others towards you. Maybe next time you’re at karaoke your love for impersonations will attract a pitch perfect partner for your next duet. Do what makes you happy first and planets will be doing their best to help you find someone with the same passions or admiration for that passion.

 

Pisces

Pisces

 

Sometimes the trick to finding new people in your life is just getting out there and meeting them. Whether you’re a single or a partnered Pisces, making new friends can be fun and exciting, but often times it's hard to go out and see new faces. The best way to get that done is take advantage of all the extra energy the sun will be basking you in- go take a walk, go for a skate, or hey, have you ever gone snowshoeing? Try not to hide from the sun; even if you just go outside for your lunch break getting warmed by the most important star in the sky will be super helpful this month.

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