Ask LSOP #5 – A Beginner’s Guide to BDSM
The following is the full Ask LSOP #5 question and answer, featured in the Little Shop of Pleasures July 2016 newsletter.
Dear LSOP Experts,
My husband and I are interested in BDSM. Where should we start? Is it dangerous?
S.
Hi S,
Even though you’ve decided to embark on your new, kinky adventure, actually figuring out where to begin can be intimidating. For those in the audience who are unaware, BDSM is a triple acronym that stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadomasochism. It’s a kind of umbrella term that covers the massive range of consensual power-play that kinky folk can engage in. There are as many different ways to practice BDSM as there are people, so getting on the right page about what this means for the two of you as a couple is a crucial first step. If you haven’t already, I would suggest that you have an in depth conversation about what types of activities or scenarios are arousing for you and your husband. I’ll get back to that in a moment.
To answer your second question, yes! Many BDSM activities have the potential to be dangerous (some more than others)- but so does driving a car. And much like driving a car, one should never engage in a BDSM activity that has the potential to cause harm to themselves or others without the proper training and education. A mantra that has become popular in the BDSM community is RACK, or Risk Aware Consensual Kink. What this refers to is the importance of educating yourself and your play partners about the potential risks associated with your chosen activity, and making sure that everyone is still enthusiastically on board once the safety precautions, worst-case-scenario, and emergency plan has been discussed. While no activity you do will ever be 100% safe, you can make sure that everyone involved has the knowledge and tools to help make sure that future scenes are as safe and enjoyable as possible.
Once you’ve decided what kinds of kinky play you’re into, it’s time to do your research! I would recommend beginning with a broad, general BDSM overview, like the classic Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Philip Miller & Molly Devon, or Jay Wiseman’s SM 101. These books cover topics that are important no matter what manifestation of BDSM you’re into, like the importance of aftercare and negotiating a scene. This should give you a good basis for the next stage of research, which should be more specific to the particular things you want to do. If it’s something relatively low risk, like incorporating blindfolds into sexual encounters, your research may be mostly practical, exploring what works for you and your husband. If it’s something with more potential for risk, for example rope bondage, will require more preparation to execute safely. Hit the books again! Chances are there are many respectable books written on your chosen topic. Another excellent resource is your local community. Consider joining FetLife (it’s like Facebook for kinky people) and see what kinds of local support there is for people learning your kink. Attending workshops (like the ones that we host!), or meeting more experienced players at casual get-togethers like a munch is an excellent way to expand your skills under the watchful eye of an expert.
I hope that this gives you some direction, S. Good luck on your kinky adventure!
— The LSOP Experts
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