This post is PART 43 in a guest blogger series following author Rachael's transition from an A.M.A.B (Assigned Male at Birth) individual to that of a self-identified trans woman.
If you are just discovering Queer as me, start the story from the beginning here.
As time went by, my dysphoria pushed at my need for bottom surgery. Which in turn drove me to come out to more people. I continued to go to New Directions, a group for those questioning and transitioning. My life was becoming busy, between my work at the library, which allowed me to lose seventy-three pounds due to the very physical nature of the job, my continuing transition, which was happening all the time, and my new role as a house unicorn.
Wait, What? I know, what is a house unicorn? It’s a term that means more or less a single bisexual female that becomes part of a couple’s sex play. She can also become part of the relationship if she is polyamorous. This was something I had never heard of, which at the time made me a unicorn by definition. My experience with sex was very little prior to this, and as both my Dominatrix’s were about to find out, but this didn't stop me from learning as much as I could.
Sex prior to this point in my life was something that I dreaded. I hated how my body reacted, I tried for years to break the hated part of my body. I even tried to snap it off on more than one occasion. It made me sick to see it, and I wished many times that it would just stop working. My wife, on the other hand, seemed very fond of it and would want to have sex as much as possible. This is where we differed. I would rather use my body for oral sex than to use it in any type of penetrative sex. This, in turn, placed a strain for almost a decade on our marriage.
I could count on one hand how many times per year that I broke down and gave her what she wanted, hating it and wishing it were over as soon as possible. I was always told that sex was for procreation only. But because my wife’s body was made sterile due to her previous controlling husband, children of our union wouldn’t be possible. So for us, sex was to be something that we could show how much we loved each other. My hatred of the thing between my legs, caused us to grow apart. Even though my love for her was true, I wished to show her in other ways. Anything else, but what she wanted.
So now that my head space was completely different then when I was married, I was able to finally ignore that part of my body without any concerns by my Dominatrix’s needs. They being Trans themselves understood that I didn’t see that body part as something that was good, and therefore they would ignore it as well. This allowed me to finally start to enjoy sex. The acts which they taught me, were wondrous and amazing in their complexity as well as my surprise at how well I seemed to take to this form of sex called kink. My learning continued rapidly, in all things sexual.
Editor’s Note: To read Queer as me – Part 44: Passing as myself, click here. Or click here to read the previous blog post Queer as me – Part 42: Trans Unicorn? For the latest LSOP blog posts and so much more, make sure to add us on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram.